Life goes on

" The dangerous thing about listening is that you don’t really know the effect it’s going to have. "

-Tori Amos

Well I just got home from Daytona. The kids were extremely well behaved. Outside of baby spitup on me it was nice. They weren’t monsters like I usually get from that area. The mother was really nervous as it was the first time being away from the baby and I was a complete stranger. All in all it worked out and I saved Cheryls ass. It is 2 in the am and I have to be up in a few hours to meet with Jen for a Garage sale. I guess all in all I am excited to see her. But then again I am always excited to see her. Being around her always makes me feel better and perhaps it is because her vibration level is always at a nice place. I am scheduled to be a reader this weekend. I hope the lady that was doing clearing last month isen’t there because she really distracted me. As soon as that bell rang I lost my place and would have to try to recover as fast as I could. That and I hope that I won’t panic. I started to panic in Wal-mart today and there really wasn’t that many people there . I just didn’t like people being around. Mom and I got into it a little bit before I left tonight about the house. I want to change it around so bad and she keeps saying she wants to but then she never really wants to get rid of anything. It’s frustrating. Not to mention I am just all around mad at her. I am always giving her a hard time when she really doesn’t deserve it but I am so damn mad at her. I keep wanting to go back into my own little world again like I had before I moved back here. I hurt and she doesn’t even know. Nor do I think she would care. I don’t like feeling pain it was easier to have things bounce off of me. Part of me is trying to build a bubble again and then the other side won’t let me. I am getting frustrated with the guides because I feel as though I am stuggleing on my own. I don’t feel them, or really even hear them anymore. I use to talk to someone at night but that doesn’t even happen anymore. Alls I have are my thoughts and me talking to myself, Dwelling on whats going on . Every sad song that plays on the radio seems to apply somewhere in my life. So I end up listening to Tarzan shit. It is the only safe thing I feel I can listen to when I am my own captive audience. In the car I end up thinking too much and always feel I am on the verge of tears which I guess it helps I smoke because that is usually when I light one up. Because then I can stare into the burning cherry and not think about anything.

                  The only thing that really bothered me that was out of the ordinary was that I had thoughts/ visions of hurting myself again. It is not to kill or anything but a while back I would want to stab myself in the solar plex. That is always where I want to dig. I will not always see a knife but sometimes a spoon just to dig it out. That is what hurts really not my heart. That is where I feel my pain. And that is not even a real chakra. But thats what I want gone. Thats where I end up feeling pain. When I get emotional thats what I imagine. But I have wanted to pierce that area of my body since I was like 14 years old. It started with Cheynoa, and through the years that was usually the center of my emotional pain. I would stand in the kitchen and hold a carving knife to my center and lean against it. I never even put a mark on my body there but would think about it. knowing I could just put myself into it. But whatever , hell lol thats not even something I can tell a therapist or I will end up in the loony ben.Life goes on.