Emotional bitch fest

I had started another entry but have deleted it due to change in attitude. I don’t feel right and I don’t like the way I feel right now. It hasn’t really happened in a while but it is like it is back. First I think I started chanelling which I finally got to stop. Then I was fine for a while. After that I found myself getting all emotional on the computer. I felt like I was going to cry. Like I wanted to inflict pain on myself. Just awefull. I then started looking up Healing Rape sites thinking maybe that is what was bothering my for outside of that nothing really bad has happened. I went and took a sublingual Gaba Calm to try to regulate it. I quickly found myself angry at Jen. She didn’t do anything wrong. . I just began to get made and wanted to break something.My emotions have been quickly changing with no warning and no reason. I have head pressure which is uncomfortable and my ears feel hollow. I am wondering if my brain has begun to swell or something.Right now I feel semi- calm but I feel the emotional emotion coming on. If feels as though I am hurt. Like when you are a child and someone tells you you are no good. It’s like you want to cry because you have no meaning and that no one can truly love you. When I know there are people that do, but I tell myself no one really does when I am in this state. It feels as if I am bad, no good, I am a used item, can’t ever seem to please or get anything right. This emotion just pain out makes me feel like dirt on someone’s shoes. I don’t like this.

       Then I get mad. So very angry . This time it was toward Jen. Even though I didn’t tell her.  But just plain out angry. I know it had nothing to do with her since she did nothing wrong. My anger is one that causes me to want to break things or tear them up. I start thinking of why I am angry and what makes me angry.I get angry because I feel I have no worth. I am not worth anything unless I do that the person wants or feels is in my best intest. I feel angry that I have the emotions at all. How can I heal myself when I can’t control my emotions. I want to heal but it doesn’t seem to want to work instead of healing and feeling better I am getting emotions I have to go though . There is the 2 steps forward 3 steps back. The anger makes me have an uneasy stomach, to where I start to feel sick and like throwing up. My head starts to pulse and I just bite my lip so I don’t start yelling obsenities like my father. I am better than him and I don’t want to be an angry person like him. Yelling and Screaming isn’t going to get me no where. But then either is feeling like this. Anger has destroyed my father and I don’t want it to distroy me.

So then after anger I start to feel depressed and lonely. I feel as though no one is really there. Like my world is my own creation and that I have lied to myself. That I bother others, That  I just annoy everyone and that they are friends because they feel sorry for me. I know that is not the case but that is what I begin to think and wonder. I start missing my old friends from childhood, That is when I need a hug and the closest person around is online in a IM and the only thing I can really do is ask for energy when really all I want is a hug. I start wanting my Dog for all I can do is think of him. To wish for him and then come to the realitiy I will never see him again. Jen says I shouldn’t get another dog for 3-5 years. I don’t know if I can do that. I really miss him being in my bed and having something to hold pet and be with. He was my man and my protector. I mean I delt with his gas, his snoring, his bed hogging, his his sheding and all that comes along with males and Dogs. But in turn I got his love, full attention when I wanted it, I could talk to him about anything, He was a warm body and one that didn’t mind too to much when I was mad at him and kicked him out of bed. We took long walks, he watched over me at night clubs and would even come with me to watch an aweful movie at the theaters. Hell he didn’t care what we watched on tv… weather Lifetime or Montel . He was happy just laying with me on the couch. Although his faviote shows were on Animal planet, and The Good Son. He would always bitch when someone was getting ready to hurt a kid. So why I be ok with him being gone. That another family took him. That was my Dog. I was never alone when I had him. But now I feel alone. Sometimes I catch myself with tears in my eyes as I try to talk to him. I try to apologize for leaving him and ditching him. I tell him I hate myself for it. I tell him that  I love and miss him . That now I am alone and I hope he isn’t .

But now see now I am starting to feel angry again. I am angry at summer for keeping my dog, I feel as though I want to hurt her for it. Do something to make her regret it. I know where she works I know how to get her fired. She has worked thier 6 years and well starting all over would teach her a lesson. But due to past teaching from Jen and Margie I know I shouldn’t even though I want to. I think she should have to pay for what she is doing. Jen doesn’t think there is Karma which means that is there is no karma then she won’t have any conquences for it unless I provide them. But then I start thinking how not loving that is .. But how do you let something like that just go. How do you forgive heal and well have no regrets. I think that if Jen left her cat somewhere and for whatever reason couldn’t get him back I am sure that would be a regret . I am sure she would be angry and want some kind of justice. But I am wrong for being mad. I am suppose to just get over it. Well I can’ t do that. I can’t just say ok he is gone oh well it doesn’t matter. He does matter. He matters to me. If I could cry over him and just really cry and release what I have pent up I would. I want to I have tried but as soon as I get really teary eyed I get angry. I get mad that she would put me through this pain. I treated her children well. My dog protected her. If he had let her get raped then she wouldn’t have kept him. He would still be mine. So what am I suppose to wish for? What am I suppose to do. How am I suppse to heal? I don’t know if it is possible for me. I am overcoming some of my fears, but how do I release the past and the pain?

You know in some ways I wish we were doing reiki again. I would like to lay on the table. I think I can heal in many ways but who knows., Maybe I have to many emotions. I know that I don’t feel I would do well in cousoling mainly because you have an hour. By the time you warm up and are nice and upset experienceing your pent up emotions it is time for you to go for they have a schedule to keep. And then that is it. Nothing to say or do. Just push it down till next week till you can do it all over again. Look into group therapy again ,,,, ahh maybe but you know that I will probably end up the youngest there…. Then I get to see how I am going to turn out 30 years from now as I watch these women try to talk but can’t because the leader has no idea what she is doing and busy trying to make it out to be some kind of psychology class. They groups biggest support is each other when they all head out for coffee afterwards.

I better go to bed otherwise I am going to end on some kind of bitch fest. well I have all ready. I am starting to go back into the emotional state and I am really not feeling well. So Maybe some r

eading and meditating and hell throw in a candle wish before bed will help. If I knew I wasn’t going to be eatten alive I would go for a walk but seeing how it is late, dark and I don’t have my dog it is nor really a safe option. Although I could go and repeat " I AM SAFE" and I know I will come back ok. But Jen says to use common sense. So that probably would not be wise. Well good night to you all. I hope you all are happy with your lives. Cherish all you love and don’t take them for granted. And may you all heal , through love or through Dreams . I hope your lives turn for the best.