Doing through the big D

" The dangerous thing about listening is that you don’t really know the effect it’s going to have. "

-Tori Amos

Well my mother told me today that she is serving my father. She signed the papers today. So I guess thats it. I lose my family and my father. My dad is not going to believe I had nothing to do with this. Mom wants me out of the house when he is served so he can’t immediatly go after me. She says that dad will probably go out to  California which means I won’t see him. Now I liked him being in Ca, but I knew he was comming back to visit it I didn’t worry about not seeing him for months at a time. But if he goes he may not come back. He never calls me and I know he will be mad at me. Mom says he is going to think I pulled up what she calls evidence and I helped her with the paper work. But I didn’t do either. Margie gave her the tools to do this. Not me. I was kept in the dark. But dad will think I  betrayed him. In a way I feel I am because I am not suppose to tell him that she is doing this. So I am suppose to sit back and watch him become a victim.I also found out that Jen knew a bit about it to. I am suppose to be ok with everything. Pretend everything is ok and that I support her choices. Which is all a lie. I use to think that it would be great if my parents divorced but now that it is happening I don’t want it to. I have never known anything other than MY family. I don’t want a Step parent or siblings. I have always prided myself on haveing my original family. I wish my brothers were here. I wish I could talk to them. I don’t want my father to think I am the cause again, I don’t want him to hate. me. Mom apologize several times before I left and gave me money for gas, I don’t know why. She just handed it to me and said here this is all I have. As if that makes everything hurt less. I don’t want her money.She knows whats going to happen to me with my father. She knows it is going to hurt him. And I see her hurting. Alls I can do is tell her to do what is write for her and not to think of anyone else. But I want to yell at her for breaking the family apart. Making my father hate me. And making everything a lie. Yes I am being selfish for not wanting my family to break up, my father hating me, and watch everyone go through this. I want to go back to yesterday when things were ok. When I didn’t know anything. So does this mean that my mother was having an affair? You realize the peoples whose parents divorce are likly to divorce themselves? That means there is not even a point to getting married. I thought that my family would beat those odds. I am so angry and hurt and have other emotions I don’t know the name of. I don’t want to be by myself yet I don’t like being alone. I want to talk but I don’t know what to say. Tears fall down but I must not cry. I told my mother that she is strong and can handle anything, but I know I can’t . I want to shut down. Hide in my room and never come out. I want my Dog, Something that is mine, and can’t change. Something that can’t hurt me. I want my father to love me and not hate me.