04/03/2012
" The dangerous thing about listening is that you don’t really know the effect it’s going to have. "
-Tori Amos
Well I am listening to my old pastor on Youtube. He is preaching about how to deal with drama , he is so entertaining even though I am a confused Christian-pagan. As I listen to him, he talks about a sign we carry and that God writes on the back…. I can roll with that but then he added "for His glory" . Now that is where I have a problem as I can’t see how an all loving God would do it for His OWN Glory. It is for one thing to be praised for a job well done but to solely do it for that purpose is well a horrible motive. I am looking at becoming a living donor, not to end up on tv, make money or even be someone’s hero/savior . I am simply thinking about doing it to save a LIFE. I feel that if God was a friend as many say he is I know I don’t have and real friends that would help me simply to gain Glory but because they care about what happens to me. Maybe I am wrong but that would be the God I would want to follow.
Then he goes on to talk about this grandson of King Sol Mephibacheif ( Have no idea how to spell it ) But he talks about him as a child being dropped by a caregiver that causes crippling. P.A ( the pastor ) goes on to talk about how it makes him think about a teenage generation that has been dropped. Oddly inside it makes me want to scream and shot " that’ s what happened to me!!" That what I feel he DID. Except I am no longer a teen but rather a product of the dropping and crippling. Yes I know that as an adult you have choices. Well here’s the thing, even the most well composed and successful adult can be screaming in pain. We simply walk around with a smile as that is what people want to see yet they are trapped in their own personal prison with no escape.
He goes on to talk about the child needing to be hidden away, that there are those in the world that feel that if they walk into a church God will kill them. I don’t feel God would kill me, I don’t even know if he would be mad. If anything I guess I don’t feel he has a right to be mad at me , it’s me who has every right to be mad at HIM! I think I am just mad at the world trapped in my own prison. Since I was hurt, I have come to realize that I haven’t even made any real friends since that happened. None, I have a very only 3 friends from my youth that I keep in touch with and could depend on. I haven’t made any real friends since I was 16. I have hidden myself away from the world. Leaping from place to place to ensure no roots could be placed. Slowly closing out any sunlight. I leave my home maybe once every 2 weeks if that and rarely leave even my room. Every now and then I get online to see what is happening in the world and my only adventure is when I get to go to camp ( all religion,clothing optional camp ) where I feel I fit in and really feel I belong and not judged. Amazingly I rarely have pain there and am as normal as I can get and away from my prison. I just want to feel at home somewhere. Where I have normal relationships and something to look forward to other than a once a year camping trip.