Worries and Goals.

Feeling worried about next semester. Though, I think “next semester” is more of a time-frame reference than anything else. Right now, employment feels fine. I just remember a time last semester when it drug on horridly. I’m comfortable enough now where I don’t need to think too much. All I need to do class-wise is survive. Just finish. That’s all.

Thinking back to last semester, those cuddles with Loralei made a huge difference in my emotional landscape. I made an effort to see Cliff on a weekly basis. Maybe not an actively needed thing, but something that maintained my emotional status. Loralei is AWOL, and Cliff is going back to the dorm. This leaves me with a void of social contact, and a void of cuddles. I like cuddles.

Perhaps I should do less comparing to “last semester”. I do that too much. Each semester is different, and this semester will hold different things for me.

I’m trying to remind myself of the things I’m doing for myself. As Cliff might say, “I do not like this, I must RECTIFY THIS SITUATION!” I do not like my lack of a foreskin, so I’ve gotten back into tugging. I got out of it because I was too stressed last semester. I figured I should come back to it when I had the energy – plus time away from it would make me appreciate it more. Same with lifting. I had to deprioritize it last semester, and so my progress has stagnated since the end of October.

That’s going to change. As it’s been, I see something I want to change about my body. So I’m doing something about it. In some ways, I feel like I haven’t made much progress at all, on a whole. But then I think, Am I doing everything I can? No. Are there new things I haven’t tried. Yes. So I will keep trying. I will try every option, I will exhaust every possibility.

In the mean time, I think I should appreciate my body more. Feeling masculine is partly a mindset. I’m not even sure what it would BE to feel masculine. I’m so used to feeling feminine. Perhaps I simply need to be my version of masculine, rather than some perceived archetype of masculine.

Despite not tugging in nearly two months, I have to say that I’ve been appreciating my foreskin restoration efforts lately. Sometimes, when I’m completely flaccid, I do have full coverage. It’s a beautiful sight. Unfortunately, this flaccidity is coupled with a rather small penis. If I’m not in a state of shrinkage, my foreskin retracts. I have a ways to go before I reach my goal, but it’s comforting to know that my sporatic tugging over the years has gotten me this far. It can be done, if I put in the effort.