What is male beauty?

I’ve been pondering something Cliff was talking about the other night. He was talking about he doesn’t feel beautiful. I can say that’s something I can relate to readily. It got me thinking about my own perception of self-beauty. Or lack there-of.

I realized I don’t really have a concept of what male beauty is. Not so much that I was taught to believe that males are unattractive, but I was never given any archetype of male beauty as a child.

I do clearly have some concept of what female beauty is. I can recognize it readily. Yet to ask the question of what male beauty is, I also should ask the question of what female beauty is, if only as a guide or comparison. Could I describe female beauty? I certainly can recognize it. I can describe how I’m attracted to females. …Sometimes. But I don’t think there’s any one archetype of female beauty that I subscribe to. I’m attracted to all sorts of female.

There is the little fact that I’m heterosexual. Female beauty is easy to recognize, as I’m attracted to it. Even if I were surrounded by attractive males, I would be unaware of this. I recall the time Trisha told me that cute boys always come up to register when I’m there. I thought about the previous males who came into the store, and none of them made me think, “attractive”. I told her that one of the perks of drive-thru is looking down girl’s shirts. In all the years of doing drive-thru, this has never occurred to her. So, at least anecdotely, my inability to see attractiveness in my own sex is not just a condition of being male.

Would a gay or bisexual person see their own beauty more readily? Though, I remember the joke, “Someone else’s toys are always more interesting.” Yes, our attractions go beyond genitals, but it’s a good point.

Is feeling beautiful as simple as accepting that there is beauty in me? As Victoria said to me once, “You are many things, but you are not a lier.” Perhaps it’s echoes of perfectionism that aren’t allowing me to say I’m beautiful, out of fear that I’m wrong. I’m also reminded of mentally deficient people who say, rather obnoxiously, “I’M BEAUTIFUL.” I don’t want to be like that.

Though, there’s a huge difference between a mental acknowledgement of beauty, and obnoxiously trying to prove this to other people. I have nothing to prove to other people. (Though, feeling beautiful to others is obviously something everybody should feel.) Being beautiful doesn’t mean being beautiful to everyone.

Ah, I see now. I’m getting closer to it. I know the phrase now. Beauty is. Attaching adjectives to beauty is to get caught in a language game, of trying to describe something indescribable. Ludwig Wittgenstein would be proud.

One step closer. There’s such freedom in allowing yourself to be flawed. Calling oneself beautiful doesn’t mean being beautiful to everybody. It just means beautiful to yourself.

You know, it’s a really nice day out. I’m wearing my usual black jeans, and one of my red button-up shirts. I didn’t feel like pigtailing, so my hair is down, and extra poofy. I haven’t shaved since Thursday, so I’m at a good level of scruffiness. And I have to say, I feel pretty damn beautiful. Maybe the question is flawed, there’s no single “male beauty” anymore than there is a single “female beauty”. Maybe it’s just wanting to fit into whatever it is everybody else “thinks” male beauty is. Maybe. After all, I’ve always felt disconnected from the male continuum.