Unclaused Self-Worth.

In thinking about “How I Got This Way”, I pondered just how I took on the attitude of physical diminutiveness. Being weak was just something I believed about myself. I thought it was something related to my identity. How did that happen?

For as long as I can remember, I thought this about myself. But let’s not restrict this search to just the first five years. I remember being maybe fourteen! Oh yes, I remember dad trying to con me into going to the Y. At that age, I was willing. But somehow, he didn’t follow through.

Something was missing from the equation. Why should I GOTO the Y? I didn’t understand. I can’t remember specifics said to me. But I do remember getting that feeling like, “Males should be strong!” Or, “I want you to work out.”

…Why? Again, string it out. Without words, going to the Y made me feel weak. So I learned to avoid it at all costs. It did not make me feel good.

I ask myself, “How could this have been avoided?” Simple. A few simple words like, “You can be strong, if you want to. But physical strength does not determine your self worth or whether we love you.”

How simple is that? Even just once. But, no, that was never said to me.

It got me thinking about how all children should be told that their bodies are beautiful. Physically, aesthetically. Girls, too, should know that if they want to, they can be physically strong.

Which got me thinking about the epidemic of girls not believing their beautiful. There’s a huge difference between, “You’re beautiful IF you wear make-up” and “You’re beautiful regardless of what anybody says, and we love you unconditionally.” The clause makes all the difference. When you put a clause into someone’s self-worth, it’ll break down eventually. I never believed I could live up to that clause, so I just assumed I was “weak”. This is no different than many girls believing they’re “ugly”.

It’s so simple. Have kids know what they like about themselves. And remind them of another curious truth about life. Just because we don’t like something about ourselves doesn’t mean we’re worth less. Moreover, somebody may LIKE that something we don’t like about ourselves. Far too often the picture enjoyed by others is the one I might have deleted if I didn’t know better.

It’s as I theorized when I was a teenager, on how to be a parent. Love, and love unconditionally. When the clauses are taken out of self-worth, there’s no way anybody can break you down.

Yllweyes

October 18, 2005

That’s so very true.

smart boy.

speaking freely

I don’t think enough people appreciate their bodies. We’re taught that our bodies are like, forbidden and dirty or something. Touching yourself is cool. Loving yourself? That’s even better. …I’ll work on embracing my chunk from now on.

passio.

trueeee. i relate to this because my mom always tells me to “go look cute.” it’s like, “gee, thanks mom, that makes me feel great.”

RYN: Yeah, my readers really don’t help me keep my ego a reasonable size. Somebody’s always telling me how “popular” I am, and what a large “fan base” I am, and how I’m on “everyone’s Faves,” and although it feels good to know that people like me (or rather, that they like what I WRITE), I have to remind myself AND them that I’m just one of millions upon millions of girls with an online diary.

I’m nobody special. There are plenty of people who can express an idea with nore wit than me, but I guess the people who read me haven’t come across them yet. 😛 Either way, it’s kind of surreal. My online life has always been more prolific than my real life, be it in a chat room or on a blog. *shrug* I guess it’s easier to be popular when people can’t see you face-to-face.

Dolor Angelicus

Telling all children that they’re beautiful would start to fix the problems. Making all children understand that there are more important things than being beautiful would eliminate the problem almost entirely. I’m not pretty, and that bothers me. I can’t help it. I’m shitty at tennis, and I couldn’t care less. Go figure.

Okay, you’ve got a deal. But only because you gave me a really nice warm feeling inside as I read those notes. Or was it that piece of pie I just finished eating? 😛 My name’s Jill, BTW. I’m kind of surprised you didn’t know that.

I saw a good story related to that on the wire today (which I read part of at work before it hit close to home and I had to stop, seeing as I was supposed to be working), about women’s self-image. I should go find it and post it on my LJ.

Yep, absolutely true. Here’s a story for you. My daughter said she thought she had an owie on her private area and I told her to look at it and see. She replied, “GROSS!” and I looked her straight in the eyes and said, “Why is that gross?!” Now she loves her vagina. The end.

RYN: No no no – that’s just all wrong!

Very nice, Timmy. *wipes tear* I imagine that boys go through similar things that girls do, just in different aspects. Boys might get the ‘you need to be strong and tough’ clause, whilst a girl might get the ‘you need to be pretty and girly’ clause. Me? I got the ‘you have to be skinny or no-one will like you’ clause. *sigh* My mother meant well. She wanted me to be healthy, I’m sure. But the >

way she went about it was quite detrimental to my self-esteem. I didn’t realize it until recently but I’ve spent most of my adult life recovering from this and learning to beleive in myself.

That’s just it! Sometimes I can’t remember them! And other times I look at them in black and white and they seem ridiculous! They only seem to have meaning in the moment! Is this crazy? Do I make any sense?

Jaxmom

October 19, 2005

Dr. Phil refers to it as negative inner dialogue…whatever it is, it has to end – for both men and women alike.

RYN: Yeah, Tim, that was kinda my point. ^_^

Wow, I’m beautiful even if no one else thinks so, but the do, because well it’s hard not see my beauty since it is so obvious. ha.

Dibrom

I’m trying so hard to lose weight… I only eat 800 calories a day max and somehow I can’t even smudge off a pound. If I got rid of this extra 8 pounds, I’d be so happy…