Timmy Manifesto VI

We got our second exam back tonight. I aced it just like I did the first exam. I’ve been feeling pretty good, especially with notice from the college that I’ll be graduating in May. Not to mention paying off my car loan yesterday. So I’ve been feeling pretty good.

I forget whether I’ve mentioned a guy in my class, Dave. He is, in a word, huge. HUGE. Jacked. But he’s actually a nice guy, if not a little quiet. I asked how he did on the exam, as I sensed a disturbance in the force. He said he bombed it. I asked if he went over the study guide at all. He said he did, but he has a lot of stuff going on right now.

So I gave him the advice I give a lot, or at least, the advice that is my general strategy when I study: Figure out what you don’t know. If you don’t know what you don’t know, you’re shit out of luck.

It wasn’t a big speech, I was just curious how he did, as I know he’s been struggling. I walked to my car and drove home. I quickly got to thinking about the global applications of the axiom. Know what you don’t know. Shit, wasn’t that a basic principle established by Socrates or Aristotle? Things you can read in a book, agree with, think is awesome, but not really get until you live it and apply it, THEN realize, “Oh, that’s what it is.”

In some ways, my journey since my rebirth has been an exercise in venturing into the unknown. I used to be such a terrified, fear-stricten person. In fact, let me quote one of my first entries.

I live a mundane life in fear of doing something.. bad. I don’t know. I’m always afraid something bad will happen. … I’ve been this way, and it would take an overhaul for me to get over the self-conscious way I am.

Choice excerpts, maybe. But it’s there, clear as day. I stayed away from new experiences. If I didn’t know something or how something worked, I got scared. I stayed with the familiar. Feels good to go with what you know, doesn’t it? My paralysis involved other things, but I distinctly remember the sheer terror I had.

Back to my studying technique. Back when I was at Rutgers, I remember feeling so overwhelmed by work that really COULD have been done rather promptly if I was of a healthier mind. I knew other people could do it. Yet I felt so crippled. I’ve learned that my studying anxiety goes away if I take a moment before official studying to list what I need to do. Suddenly the mystery is gone. I see all that needs to be done, and suddenly it seems quite doable. A study guide makes this so much easier. I go through each item and ask myself, “Do I know this?” If I answer “No.”, it’s not a bad thing. It means I already know what I don’t know.

I don’t force myself to do the unknowables first. I tend to do whatever strikes my fancy first. Once I accomplish something, doing more seems easier. I then look over whatever I’m having trouble with. I am smart. Given time, I can learn anything. The only things I missed on the exam were things I neglected to cover in my studying. That’s all anyone can ever ask for.

I mention it a lot, but I must go back to how I got into lifting in the first place. I was driving to school, and I happened to be thinking about how the YMCA is across the street. It was a very fast train of thought.

“Hrm, I wonder why I don’t go to the YMCA.”

“Oh, because I’m scared. I self-identify myself as someone who is weak, sedentary, and completely unathletic. I’m also afraid of people seeing me naked in the locker room. I identify myself as someone who is not in shape”

“Hrm. I think I’ll go completely against myself and start going to the Y!”

Dead-serious, I made the decision in a span of five seconds. I wasn’t looking to get shredded, I wasn’t looking to gain or lose weight. I knew nothing about exercise, let alone how to exercise. I just recognized something I was scared of and decided to overcome it. Of course, overcoming fear is entirely a personal way I experience it.

Candi will ask me what I think about something, whether I want to do it with her. I like to say, “I don’t know. I’ve never done that before. It scares me. And quite frankly, I’m afraid I won’t like it. Let’s do it.” I like that I can do this now. I want to keep moving forward.

Candi pointed out to me recently how people in their field are always educating themselves further. I’ve certainly been learning more about lifting with each year. In fact, the reason I took up jogging is because it’s a personal deficiency. It’s something I haven’t been able to do. I decided to find a way to do it. Diversifying. I like to think of myself as a balanced person. Be good at a lot of things.

Know what you don’t know. It’s not about acknowledging Donald Rumsfeld unknowns. It’s just recognizing the things in yourself that you’re scared of. The things that you’re not good at. The things you haven’t done yet. Candi and I are so excited for warm weather, because we’re totally going to spend a lot of time on a nude beach, something neither of us has done.

I suppose this is concurrent with the Cognition Manifesto. It seems so simply, so obvious, but sometimes the simple obvious things need to be stated. I seem happiest when I feel like I’m moving forward. Forward doesn’t need to be any more complicated than learning a new skill, doing a new activity, eating a new food. I know I’m a person who loves routine, but that doesn’t mean I can add or subtract things to that routine. I’ve never really been a beach person. I’ve also never been one to get a tan in the summer. I want to do both things this summer. I want to spend so much time on the beach this summer that my ass looks like toast. To create a moment, rather than just expecting life to create itself.

Just keep doing what I’m doing. Keep challenging myself. I’ll almost be sad the day I’m not scared of anything anymore, as that’ll be the day there’ll be nothing left to learn. That’ll never happen. Always something else out there to conquer. Know what I don’t know. Then learn it.

Spock asked Kirk why he climbed the mountain in Star Trek V. Kirk replied simply,

“Because it’s there.”