Timmy Manifesto V

The next step, I think I recognize what the next step is. First, let me recount. It started when I reckoned that the sum of my life doesn’t condemn me to being one person, or to one fate. Then I declared that my emotions are valid, and it’s okay to feel. Then I declared that I should not feel shame from feeling good. I thought maybe the next step might be something to do with other people, turning outward. Yes, but no.

I have problems satisfying my own needs, both actualization and expression. I am getting better and reading my own responses to people. But I still take a passive role to when I need to be comforted. It is very difficult for me to just tell someone I want to cry on her shoulder. At least, in public.

It is okay to have needs. It is also okay to tell people to back off, as I have been doing. There is no point in making myself feel unnecessarily uncomfortable, or to make myself uncomfortable just to satisfy someone else.

Wanting someone to satisfy my needs without me asking, as if being able to read my mind, is a dangerous co-dependent behavior. It’s the way I’ve been for a long time. I have a hard time asking for help, I have a hard time asking for affection. As if asking for affection invalidates it. As if I want to say no to someone, just to see if they’ll be affectionate anyway.

There’s a reason I’ve taken to being such a direct person. As much as it cuts out the bullshit with other people, it cuts out the bullshit with myself.

It is a very vulnerable thing to say, “I am feeling unloved and unappreciated.” Though, I do feel rather vulnerable most of the time. I embrace the emotional openness out of fear of shutting down. It’s why I say screw gender roles – I don’t know how else to be.

I can not expect others to read my mind and satisfy my needs without me communicating it. It is unreasonable, and it is an otherwise an unhealthy emotional pattern. My friends deserve better than indirectness. My emotions, my needs, are valid. Sometimes it’s scary to share these things, but as always, if I face why I’m afraid, I can dispel it.

Not much else needs to be said. While I feel emotionally drained right now from recent deliberations, I’m also feeling very strong, very empowered. I want to see where this takes me.