Thinking.
I got up this morning to go for a jog. Gym’s closed, and I find I feel better if I get up and go. I willed myself out of bed, got dressed, took a sip of water, and went outside. Feeling the sun kiss my skin, I realized that maybe it’s not the actual jogging that I’ve been enjoying. (I tend to say I dislike jogging, and Candi pointed out that I tend to feel a lot better afterwards.) Simple as it is, I think it’s the actual being outside that felt nice. I thought, “Why do I need to jog? Maybe I will, maybe I won’t.”
So I didn’t.
Instead I did something I don’t seem to do much of anymore. I spent time thinking. Thinking. Nothing dramatic, nothing heavy, nothing earth-shattering. Thought about how I’m going to reply to Elena’s letter. (She got a boyfriend, time to live vicariously through another person.) Thought about time compression. Remember when you were ten and five minutes felt like ages? I used to write schedules for myself when I was younger, and I could micromanage down to fifteen minutes. I feel like an allottment of two hours goes by so quickly now. (Unless I’m at work – I’m sure we all feel that way.) Where does the time go? It just up and goes PUFF.
Thought about Candi. Over ten months now. Thought about how terrified she was of me leaving her when we first started, and how silly that was. How nice it is to have her. All that shtuff. Thought about the state of my life, but not really coming to any conclusion. Just acknowledging that I need to keep thinking.
Always on the run. Either about to work, about to sleep, or about to do something else. It’s hard to appreciate the time in between without feeling like I need to meticulously schedule my time.
Speaking of which, I have work. Gotta run. Ha ha.
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“micromanage down to fifteen minutes” – hilarious! as to thinking – coincidentally I was JUST YESTERDAY waiting at a table for some friends and starting “thinking” about whatever to kill the time, and it occurred to me for myself that “thinking” is completely pointless and useless – that if I could I’d like to achieve a zen state of my mind being a blank slate without all the stupid thoughts swirling around accomplishing nothing. All the judgments about people walking by, or observations about the Starbucks I was in, etc. Thinking is over-rated. In contrast, doing, accomplishing, and putting a plan into action that leads to happiness is far more what I want to put my efforts towards these days. I’ve had way too much thinking that resulted in absolutely no improvement to my condition in the last year. Thinking is like wishing and praying, it doesn’t produce.
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Time alone to think is important – for me, it’s usually the hour or so a week I spend cutting my grass.
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thinking is good 🙂
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I feel like my life is zooming by now. I remember feeling like 10 minutes was 2 days. Now I feel like 2 days is 10 minutes.
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