The transcript.

That’s all that’s left of my time at Rutgers. Just a piece of paper saying I did something. (Or, four pieces of paper, since I wanted more transcripts than I needed.)

Seeing my term averages drop like (I can’t even think of an appropriate function), it’s clear when I lost control. 3.179. 3.033. 2.969. 1.444. 0.857. My first three semesters were fine, all things considered. Fourth semester, Spring 2003. I remember those classes. I don’t remember being interested in what was being taught, for the most part.

Fall 2003. Failed Discrete Structures II. I couldn’t even tell you what that class was, let alone what the hell a discrete structure is. I failed programming languages because I didn’t do the programs. I got a D in philosophy of science fiction, because I wasn’t interested. Didn’t think that was possible. I withdrew from numerical analysis because I knew I was in over my head. I could have passed if I kept up, but I just didn’t care. I got a B in that sexual morality class. Go figure. I think that was the only class that really grabbed me.

Spring 2004. I failed all my classes. All of them. There was one class where the entire point of it was to write a long research paper. Except it isn’t a research paper. Pressure got to me, because I don’t know how to do research. Or something like that. Framing. Right. Framing concepts to another idea. I remember that. The teacher saw a lot in me, but I just couldn’t do it. Or didn’t want to. Or didn’t make myself.

I failed computer architecture a second time. Even with a much better professor.

I remember seeing The Rapist by that time. I was near the end of my rope. At our last session of the semester, she was concerned I would consider the semester a loss because of my academic standings. She told me to forget about it and focus on my internal growth. I thought she was nuts at the time, but it was really what I needed to hear. One of those things you realize later, “Oh. You know, she’s right.”

At least for now, there isn’t anything I want to “go towards”. I intend to just take whatever interests me. That’s how it should be, no? Everybody’s always in such a rush to “move up” in their life, without really understanding what they’re going towards. I’ve taken my chill pill, and I will continue to take life one day at a time.

Now then. I think I’m going to seek out Erik and see what the hell I have to do to actually join county. Once that’s done, I’ll take it from there.