The same old song.

I hate my classes. I don’t think I need to say I’m the most disinterested “ever”. I just find myself running into the most inane walls when it comes time to actually DO my homework. Coding is pretty simple if you aren’t arguing with the compiler. What the fuck. I never had issues like this when I was doing java. But no, CCM has to use a compiler provided by microsoft, so everything’s freaking weird.

I got myself to calm down and move on to the next task. I looked over what I had to do and realized I had no idea what I was supposed to do. Half-hour to and hour later, I get myself to calm down and found another way of reckoning what I’m supposed to do. I think, “Okay, install Visio first.” Microsoft Visio. Guess what. It won’t install. Maybe I’m not having class issues, just microsoft issues.

I hate this field. I argue with myself over the point of doing this. I’m never going to use any of this. I’m doing this to buy myself time. I’m doing this in the hopes maybe I can think of something else to do. All the wrong reasons, as I knew. Because I’m too cowardly to find a job. That’s why I’m in school. Avoiding something even more terrifying, that’s all.

“I didn’t like any of the projects, so I didn’t do them.” Who says shit like that? A shallow excuse, missing the point of how I could fail Child Psych in the first place. I swear, every time I take a class thinking I’ll learn something, I have an adverse reaction. Actually trying to learn in college, how naive of me!

At least Spanish is going well, I can’t argue with that. Though I’ve been slacking on homework in the past month, I know the vocabulary lag will catch up with me.

There’s too much goddamn pressure on us. I’ve never known what I’ve wanted to do with myself. I don’t even know how to just .. be. I mean. Drop out, finish, what’s the difference? I’m left with the same question at the end. I’m too smart to be left with a blank stare at a coldhearted world that says that there are requisite things you have to do to be a functioning member of society. Why do I always feel so alone?

Rhetoricalness.

Just a day, just a moment. This is why I made sure I’d have something planned for tomorrow. There tends to be a dissipation of stress after deadlines pass. And you know what? I fucking tried. Maybe by some standards I did very little, but I fucking tried. By my own standards, in my own eyes, I didn’t just roll over. It takes a lot of self-talk and patience to get me to do things when I’m out of my element, and I’m totally out of my element doing schoolwork at school. Schoolwork is for school! Housework is for home! Duuuuuuh.

I spent most of today and yesterday eating, just below the point of being stuffed, and always above the point of feeling hungry. Did you know that eating burns calories? *smirks*

I’m going to get up early tomorrow and work out. That’s my stabilizing activity. Fuck everything that’s happened, of everything I can’t do, of the things I don’t yet know I should do. It’ll relax me, there’ll be class, there’ll be that group meeting. I’ll socialize in the café, camera in hand for DITL. Class again, and home. Write the entry announcing a winner for DateATimmy. I wasn’t expecting myself to be so scatterbrained as to not have written an entry yet. I decided against making it a priority today. Tomorrow. Tomorrow. *nod* Tomorrow’s the only shot I have. Good thing there’ll be another tomorrow, tomorrow.