The Origin of Tampons.

In the beginning, there was the Goddess. And of course, she was female, since in her infinite wisdom she decided boobies are just more fun to look at. And of course to say that a deity can’t be male or female is to limit the deity. AND of course, she had to give herself the name Kelly, since Kelly is one of the sexiest names she could think of.

So the Goddess does what all creaters of the universe do and… created the universe. She created tall mountains and oceans blue. And those evil cockroaches that never, ever seem to die. She had created a perfect order to the world. And this bored the hell out of her. She sent some asteroids and comets to smite various species, but things just kept dying too fast for her liking. It was too predictable.

So the Goddess decided to create something that would slowly destroy the planet: A Man. The Man went around violently destroying things, which greatly amused the Goddess. One day the sole man came to the Goddess and said, “Hey bitch, can you make me something to fuck? Geez, I need to get my rocks off so bad.” The Goddess replied, “Masturbate, you fool. You’re my bitch, not the other way around. It amuses me when you jerk off.” So the horny man jerked off while the Goddess watched intently.

Slowly, the man grew old. Eventually he realized he’d have nobody to give his shit to. He went to the Goddess with this problem. The Goddess said to him, “Okay, I’ll give you a hot young girl who will use you and take all your possessions.” The man pondered. “Will she give good head?” “The best,” The Goddess replied.

And so the Goddess created a woman in her image. And named her Kelly. Kelly looked at the savage man and said, “Oh my god. Your cock. I want it in my mouth. Well, after you shower dude. You can’t pick up girls like that.” The man grunted and did as she said. Penis freshly cleaned, she fellated him. The man was astounded at her skill. “Damn bitch, I’ve never felt anything like that with my hand!” Kelly smiled and cleaned off his weiner, “You silly, the Goddess made me. The only thing better than me is her.” The man grinned and began to plot how to get in the Goddess’s pants. The Goddess was listening to his thoughts and wondered how she’d torture him in his afterlife.

Kelly fell in love with the man, even though he was in love with his tree collection. She said to him one day, “I want to reproduce.” The man blinked and scratched his head, “What do you mean by that?” “You know, make more of us.” The man laughed, “Kelly, if we make more of us, we’ll just multiply uncontrollably and destroy this wonderful tranquility around us.” Kelly digested the deep thought.

“I want to reproduce.”

Unable to get an answer out of the man, Kelly went to the Goddess. She said to her, “Well, I didn’t really make you so you could reproduce. Geez, imagine if there were more of you! You’d destroy the world! .. Destroy the world, eh? Hmm. I like this idea! Now, as I said, I never designed you to reproduce. Sex is for fun, not procreation. But, I suppose I can fiddle with that. Though, there might be some consequences…”

The Goddess snapped her fingers and Kelly went back to her life. A few days later, something horrifying happened to her and immediately went to the Goddess. “Okay, WHY THE FUCK AM I BLEEDING OUT OF MY VAGINA?” The Goddess cowered, if only sarcastically. “Well, I was kinda lazy, so I just created a system where the egg comes out once a month. I couldn’t have them come out when you orgasm because then.. well, you’d be getting pregnant every time you had sex.”

Kelly was infuriated. “LAZY? I’M FUCKING CRAMPING RIGHT NOW. AND THERE’S BLOOD GOING DOWN MY LEG.”

The Goddess shook her head, “Oh, you wimp, take it like a woman. Fine, I’ll give you some way to deal. Put this against your Area. Consider it damage control.” And so the Goddess created The Pad. And Kelly used it. She had massive cramps that made her irritable to her man and not receptive to fellatio requests, but she could wallow in her misery without getting blood everywhere.

However, this wasn’t enough for Kelly. She had just gotten her man to create the World’s First Waterslide. And she wanted to use it. But, she couldn’t use it with her pad. So she again went to the Goddess. “Don’t you care about me anymore?” The Goddess shrugged, “I don’t know, after you create the universe over and over again, it gets so predictable. Give me this, give me that. Can’t you struggle a little? Anyway, I suppose I’ll give you a better way to deal. Shove this up there as far as you can. And make sure you can reach the string.”

And so Kelly began using the World’s First Tampon. She shoved it up there and went on the waterslide with no problems. Her World’s First Menstruation ended and she heaved a sigh of relief. She got freaky with her man, in an effort to never have to deal with menstruation ever again. “OH GOD, LET’S REPRODUCE!!” A month passed, and her period didn’t come. She became The World’s First Pregnant Woman.

She came to the Goddess with a question, “So uh, how long is this pregnancy thing going to take? A few more weeks?” The Goddess laughed so hard it caused an earthquake in Canada. “Honey, you have to carry that baby for nine months.” Kelly was shocked, “Can’t we skip the part when I teach it how to be a good person? I mean, my man won’t fuck me while I’m pregnant. Weirdo.”

The Goddess watched over the pregnancy, full aware that the end of this world was near. Kelly would have a million beautiful babies, she knew. And they’d all want to have sex and reproduce like crazy. She chuckled to herself, “Eh, I can always start over.”