The charge is gone.
Last session, I had a feeling which I’d never had before. Nothing drastic. Just the feeling that I wasn’t progressing anymore. It was only a matter of time before I’d start feeling like we’re talking about the same things over and over again.
I don’t really like it when people ask me how I am. Because by the time I give an answer, and actually “explain” myself, the mood changes because I’m forced to realize, “Hey, there’s a lot of excess shit in my life, thanks a lot for reminding me.” I felt fine this morning.
And stop emphasising loneliness. Alone, I recognize. But actual feelings of loneliness don’t infest me that often. Of course, when said feeling is POINTED OUT, I can’t help but feel it in some regard. Maybe not then, but usually later.
Is it another form of delusion? Is it avoidance? It’s definitely escapism, to some form. I’m not sure. Do I lie to myself and say I’m not feeling these bad things? Well, not necessarily. If one ignores the stimuli to those feelings, well, then we won’t feel it. If I don’t think about loneliness, usually, I don’t feel it. At least in terms of, if I recognize how alone I am, I will feel lonely.
Hope is fading from me, and I’m not sure why.
“You’ve got the gift, but it looks like you’re waiting for something.”
Matrix infests my mind.
I feel different than I did three weeks ago. I’m thinking of that moment before I forced myself out of apathy. To say I was motivated is to give me too much credit. I just decided to do things, regardless of what I wanted to do at that moment, and did them. Apathy never left me. This is a different kind of hopelessness. One step forward, two steps back, it seems.
I imagine myself getting a dead-end job, being somehow self-sufficient, and watching Clerks every single day, declaring that I don’t want to be here, I’m not supposed to be here, and that I’m powerless to change because I’m stuck in my happy little rut.
Run away, run away. I wish I didn’t have to be like this. There’s nothing anything anybody can say to just make me snap out of it and go, “Oh. I get it.” I’m getting it more than I have before, and the fact that I still can’t do anything about it just makes me feel worse. No pride in myself, anymore. A lost cause with a lost purpose. I waste my time, then claim I have no time. All the while maintaining that I enjoy said wasted time. On a level, on a level, I maintain; I wish I could feel the fulfillment of accomplishing something. I wonder if I don’t let myself feel accomplishment, so even if I do something, that feeling fades rapidly. I wonder.
Time squandered, more assignments past due. Partially detached, I chuckled at how far I will fall. I can’t fall down here and get up over there.
It doesn’t matter.
: i keep talking about the same things with my Rapist, too… it feels repetitive, but on the contrary–i feel as if i’m getting helped, as if i havent yet hit that wall where therapy isnt helpig me anymore. *blinks* lemme finish reading. *laughs* sorry i had to comment on that first…
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a lot of people end up in that rut. i dont know what to tell you, timmy. i want you to end up in a place where you’re at least content, but the way you look at things sometimes… if you’re so pessimistic, cynical, realistic… you dont always recognize your own potential. i dont know what to say, really. i’ll hope for something better for you, but if you want it, you have to go out there and
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get it for yourself. you cant sit around and expect to change by going through your days as you normally do, even with therapy. you’ve got to take what you’re learning in therapy, or you need to take the realizations that you’re making about yourself, and work against the things you dislike about yourself. i know it’s hard. but it can be done.
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Yes it does.
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Whatever happens, you will be successful in so many ways in life because you not only have a brain, but you have a fantastic brain. One of those brains that are unique and rare and frightfully fantastic.
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Those people who keep throwing advice at you can shut the hell up. You will totally blow us all away with your natural progressions.
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It’s the doldrums.
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What Sleepy Beauty said. It does. Be well,
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” To accomplish great things, we must not only act, but also dream; not only plan, but also BELIEVE.” I believe in you, and I don’t even know you. I think that says something… and NOT that I don’t know anything. That you’re brilliant and have made quite the impression on me. You can do whatever you put your mind to. Don’t give up.
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*mental note to not ask you how you are anymore* I agree with Valencia Oranges–you really are brilliant in your own quirky breast-loving way.
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*runs hands through hair* *stretches* you should give me a massage.
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i think sometimes in therapy when you keep saying the same thing over and over, its almost the routine you dont want to step outside. i used to do it just to distract attention away from things i didnt care to talk about. i think feelings present themselves even when you try to ignore the stimuli or approach it differently. sometimes you cant help what you feel. sometimes telling yourself you…
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“You have to let it all go, Timmy. Fear, doubt, disbelief. Free your mind.”
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telling yourself you dont feel those things or rationalizing in an attempt to disregard feelings results in more confusion. not acknowledging or accepting feelings means locking them inside. when you lock something inside, everything gets mixed up and muddy and thats when you get stuck in a rut, in my experience. i dont see you as happy where you are. but only you can find the right path.
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This too, shall pass.
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why are you even going to a rapist?
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