The BIGGAYDAN Halloween Special, Part III

“TRICK OR TREAT!”

A hideous looking creature answered the door.

“Damn, yos asses be homos! I best be gettin` my eat on yo asses.”

The creature lept out from the doorway and onto Richard Simmons. He shape-shifted and absorbed him into his own fungal mass. He reformed to his normal self. “Damn, BIGGAYDAN, yo ass be chillin` wit sum tasty asses.”

Elton John, ARNOLD and Abe Lincoln looked at each other and ran in separate directions. The create split in three, spread over the three gay buddies, and absorbed them. He quickly merged into a slightly larger single entity, and burped. A human figure appeared in the doorway and shouted at the creature, “God damn it, would you stop eating the Trick or Treaters?”

The creature sauntered towards the human. “Bitch, yo ass be home to one splinterin` tree branch. My ass gotsta get it’s eat on somehow.”

“You’ve had enough of a gay meal. Get back inside.”

“Bitch, yo ass best not be gettin` a twistin yo frilly panties. I won’t be gettin` my eat on dat gay ass BIGGAYDAN. My ass best not be gettin my eat on wit things my ass can’t get it’s digest on wit. DOUBLEDONGOFJUSTICE, bleaaack.”

The creature walked past the human. The human, who just happened to be wearing pigtails, addressed BIGGAYDAN.

“Listen, BIGGAYDAN, all you’ve gotten do is say three words… ‘Klatu, Varata, Nichtu.’ That’s my candy for you. Have a nice evening.”

The pigtailed boy closed the door behind him. BIGGAYDAN could hear the sound of the deadbolt being door. He dropped his sac and started pounding on the door.

“Dude, come on, you gotta tell me what to do!”

Alone, again. He knew he should have stayed in bed. I grabbed his fallen BIGGAYSAC and began walking back to his house. He almost didn’t see the giant squirrel that was walking in the opposite direction.

“HOLY SHIT, A GIANT SQUIRREL!!”

“Yeah? A lot more original than your BIGGAYCOSTUME, BIGGAYDAN.”

“…You’re not a furry, are you?”

The giant squirrel bitch-slapped BIGGAYDAN and walked up to the nearest house, presumably to get some candy. Rubbing his cheek, BIGGAYDAN trudged on. He reached the corner where they turned onto Bruce Street. He noticed seemingly thousands of houses on Bruce Street beyond the intersection.

“I’m out of this neighborhood.”

He turned to leave Bruce Street. He had just cleared the side of the first house when a deadite rose from the ground beside him and grabbed his leg.

“Aaannnuuussss…“

BIGGAYDAN withdrew the DOUBLEDONGOFJUSTICE from his anus and promptly beat the shit out of the deadite.

“Fucking BIGGAYUNDEAD.”

Another deadite appeared and tried to anally rape BIGGAYDAN, and he promptly whacked it with the DOUBLEDONGOFJUSTICE. He was able to keep walking on his way, when another appeared. This time, he took a solid swing at the deadite and ran back to Bruce Street. The deadite, not defeated, got up and tried to walk to BIGGAYDAN. Just before Bruce Street, the deadite stopped, paused, and sank back into the ground. Content the deadites wouldn’t get him on Bruce Street, he put the DOUBLEDONGOFJUSTICE back up his ass.

A girl wearing only cute underwear (green with blue trim panties and a light blue bra) approached BIGGAYDAN.

“Why don’t you go home?”

“Uh? Home? I have to leave Bruce Street to do that, and the deadites…”

“BIGGAYDAN, you dumbass. I meant your home on Bruce Street. No wonder Timmy thinks you’re gay.”

The semi-nude girl began walking to the first house on the block. BIGGAYDAN paused to think. My house? On this street? Would I even know where it is? The underwear-clad girl stopped and called back to BIGGAYDAN, “By the way, your house is across the street.”

So BIGGAYDAN crossed the street and approached the house. I felt familiar. Should he just walk in? Knock on his own house?

He didn’t need to. He heard some superhero theme play out of nowhere. The door to the house flew open and somebody flew out of the door, landing behind him.

Look, over there! It’s flaming! It’s gay! It’s BIGGAYDAN!

BIGGAYDAN could only look dumbfounded at the lookalike. It was him. Except in a spandex suit, spandex undies, a silly cape, and “BGD” in a triangle on his chest.

“Who the fuck are you?”

“I am you! You are me! We are us!” The character turned to face Bruce Street. “Here I cum to gay the day!” He took flight to parts unknown.

Our BIGGAYDAN rolled his eyes and entered the house, BIGGAYSAC in hand. He found a couch and sat down. He stretched out. “…What do I do now?”

A pause.

“I wonder if I’m supposed to say those words. How did they go?” He paused to try to remember.

“…Klatu…. varata…. nichsh;l4ka;sjdlfkj;7walen;la1wn;h. Oh, damn. I forgot the last word. Oh well.”

A giant portal appeared in front of BIGGAYDAN. Despite his efforts to latch himself to some not-so solid furniture, he was sucked into the portal, leaving his BIGGAYSAC behind. Falling and falling, a ground appeared under BIGGAYDAN. He landed gracefully on dirt. Amazingly not shaken, he rose quickly to assess his surroundings. He noticed some humans appearing around him. He noticed how naked and how huge their GIANTMANCOCKS were.

“BIGGAYDAN! Our King! You’ve arrived to save us!”

BIGGAYDAN could only look directly at the camera and scream, “NNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

The End