Still sitting here alone.

What am I waiting for?

Day in, day out, I just keep shutting down. I refuse to budge. The harder I push, the harder push back I feel.

I’m beyond help. No one can help me because I’m resistant to everything. I don’t meant to be. I hate being like this, but it doesn’t seem putrid enough to make me change. I wish I could change.

My perception is warped. I just don’t see what others see. I write so hopefully with the prayer that it’ll be enough to turn me around. Maybe just a little bit. Make that first step. It’s frustrating to know that right now is growth, even though it feels like I’m standing still, or even regressing.

Why am I so afraid to try? Nobody can give me the answer, nobody should give me the answer. This is so far internal, I have a hard time grasping it, let alone trying to explaining it.

I sit terrified of everything. Crippled. Is it apathy, or is it terror? I’m having a hard time telling the difference anymore.

It’s like you’re waiting for something.

Shouldn’t The One just get up and go? Why am I so scared?