Six Months Past.

I was thinking about July 4th. Keeping to myself away from everybody else, staring off into nothing. Reflecting upon the events of a year ago. Kind of how I am. I’m either going or I’m reflecting. If I’m not in either state, I’m somehow discontent.

I imagined telling Liz of everything with Paige. She knows some already, but whatever. Of all the happy things with Paige. Taco salads and Sweet Home Alabama. Board game drinking. Of arguments and make-up sex. Of living with a girl I had only not not that long ago. Of that fateful phone call to Cliff in my time of need. Of Ally being my savior. Of Crystal and how we shared our pain to each other.

And then it hit me.

It’s been six months since I hit rock bottom.

Six months.

I can only be proud of how I’ve progressed in the past six months. I left Indiana with nothing. I’d left school. My relationship was on the rocks as it was, in addition to the indignity that had befallen me. By the time I reached Cliff, I barely had any money to my name. I was a complete wreck and Cliff will never know how grateful I am for him putting up with me for thirteen days. It’s just not something I’m capable of articulating into words. Maybe sometime in the future I’ll find some way to show it, but not yet.

The span between there and rock bottom was about as depressing as it gets. Easily worse than five years prior. My sleep cycle went out of wack fast. … I remember when Erik and Cliff decided to come find me. They were all motivated to go out and do stuff. I sapped all the life out of them.

And after I hit rock bottom, it was like I had a clean slate to work with. It was literally one day at a time for a while there. And every day forward seemed to get better and better, at least for a few months. Panera kept calling me in and soon my hours were maxed out every single week. I quickly grew a reputation for getting shit done. I also grew a reputation for being a little querky, but hey, that’s me.

I have money in the bank. I’ve also bought a lot of stuff. That’s life. Gotta buy stuff now and then? As Carlin said, home is where we keep our stuff while we’re out getting more stuff.

I’ve grown closer to Erik. Things have changed between Cliff and I since seven months ago, but that’s life. We’re not the same so-called outcasts we were when we first started hanging out. We all met Liz only three months ago, and she’s fully accepted. I’ve seen where things with Melissa will go – nowhere. But, it’s okay. At least I know.

My room’s gotten exceedingly messy. But that’s not a change. I built Roxanne Covalent. She still has no internet, but at least have the security of knowing she’s virus-free. Things seem to have changed on Open Diary for me. I write a lot, I know I do, it just feels like I’m not as involved as I used to be. `Tis the way of things. Speaking of which.

Your last subscription payment was made on : 11/24/03

Your subscription will expire on : 8/1/05

Days remaining in your subscription : 53

That was so long ago. It seemed so far in the future when I made that payment. And look at me now, in the future. I couldn’t have imagined the events of this past year, let alone these past six months. It’s always good to keep in mind that something will happen in these next six months. In this next year. For the rest of my life. Days just don’t pass without anything happening unless I force the situation.

“Don’t try to be a great man, just be a man.” – Zephrane Cochrane, Star Trek VIII: First Contact

I keep running past that quote in my journal. Nothing could be a better mantra for my life.