Self-Belief.

I just had a sudden realization. I was thinking about how I don’t want to settle in terms of females. That I know I’m awesome. I know not everybody will see me as such, and that’s okay. I know that as long as I stay true to myself, anyone worthy of seeing my awesomeness will see it. Moreover, the truer I am to myself, the better quality females I seem to attract. Which leads me to realize that I actually believe in myself.

I believe in myself. Unwaveringly.

I don’t say things unless I believe them. That whole honor/loyalty/honesty thing I have in me. I’ve felt fake saying positive things in the past, because I didn’t feel them. Well. Maybe I’d say them anyway, as a logical posit. Maybe that negative side would creep up, and I’d feel like, “I sound silly saying that.” Something like that. Maybe it helps that I’ve met people that actually do believe in themselves, and aren’t afraid to say so. And when they say it, I don’t think they sound silly. I think, “That’s such a strong statement, I respect that.”

I know my self-worth.

I was also thinking about how I have this “story” of myself where I just have terrible luck with females. I don’t know how it sounds, but I feel like I’m ready to move past it and just be awesome. I don’t think I’m one of those guys who prefaces himself by talking about how badly he’s been treated. I’ve met guys like that – they come off as pathetic. I think at most I just say that I’m awesome and leave it at that. I know I’m not like other guys. Less of a defense (as if to say ‘but I’m not like other guys), and more of just acknowledgement.

I was thinking about what I’d be like if I were more forward with females. I want to say outgoing, but I don’t mean social butterfly outgoing. I’m ready to say I’m… confident. Or, at least, far more than I used to be. I’m rather comfortable with myself. I believe in myself. It’s not my way to talk to people under false pretenses. I mean, I don’t flirt recklessly, nor am I one to give false impressions. I think I just picture myself talking to people just because. It doesn’t need to have any sort of goal. I’m getting better at it, when the opportunities arise.

Of course, in terms of actually pursuing girls I’m attracted to, that’s another story. Just given the frequency in which we actually meet new people, naturally I can’t be attracted to “new” females on a regular basis.

Jaded, that’s the word. Once upon a time, a long time ago, I promised myself to never become jaded. In some ways, I wonder if it has become a self-fulfilling prophecy. I had a mental image of myself as a hopeless romantic, emphasis on the hopeless. Over the years, I’ve had nothing but story after tragic story. Of course, that’s not entirely true. I’ve had some fantastic experiences over the years. Yet, no long-term relationships with an emotionally mature female. Of course, by that delimiter, plenty of married couples have never had a good relationship. I digress.

Maybe it’s just a feeling and it will pass. There’s nothing wrong with that. But I’d like to move past the story of the jaded boy who was mistreated and never appreciated. I’ll stand a better chance of meeting someone better if I talk less about the bad things that have happened to me, and talk more about the awesome things I can offer. Or ways I’m awesome. I think I’ve been afraid of it in the past because it can come off as egotistical. This is a rather self-depreciating society. How dare you talk about how awesome you are!

I believe that if you’re cognitive enough to understand the message, then you deserve to feel awesome about yourself – to recognize your own awesomeness and not be afraid of saying so to others.

I like where this emotional honesty has taken me. It’s so nice to not be afraid of myself. It’s quite comforting that the ubiquitous fear of the world that used to permeate me has melted quite a bit.