Right Now.

I hate feeling like I’m waiting for something. Feels like I’m either looking over my shoulder at something bad that happened, or wishing I were at a previous time. Or, I’m looking ahead, hoping somewhere over the rainbow is where I really want to be. Why can’t right now be satisfactory? I’m doing all I can.

I have a job. Okay, not a good job, but it’s better than nothing. I sure feel better than I did in previous months. (I went down to the SS office today – but their computers were down.) I have two more small semesters to go until I finish with a degree I supposedly want, though I suspect I’ll never use it. I’m social here and there. There have been times when I drowned myself in socialness to escape from myself. I know moderate socialness is enough.

I shouldn’t feel so sad. I really shouldn’t, so I haven’t started looking for reasons. There’s nothing wrong. It just feels like the same depressive haze I’ve had most of my life.

It’s not a stretch of the imagination that maybe I just need female companionship. Cuddles, cunnilingus, and kisses would definitely make me feel better.

I’m trying to see past the haze. It’s been suggested that maybe I should get meds, if it truely is chronic depression. It’s the same haze I had back when I was, as I think of it, emotionally unstable. I couldn’t see what I can see now. I recall thinking about how I needed to do things that I enjoyed, in an effort to make myself happy. It’s such a simple thing, but at the time, it baffles me, and depressed me further because I thought, “Man, everything depresses me! I don’t know what makes me happy!”

Curious.

(I don’t think I’d ever go on meds. I think of Star Trek V. “I don’t want my pain taken away, I need my pain!” I know a lot of people find their writing ability completely goes to shit once they go on happy drugs. Even as I am now, while I am thinking clearer, that muddle of a brain I had sure wrote some awesome shit.)

There are a lot of times when I just ignore the haze, I don’t let it get to me. If you stare at, it’ll envelop you. If I remind myself, “Hey, I have no reason to feel bad. Let’s carry on”, I tend to almost forget about it.

Sometimes I do wonder if I’ll ever get out of this state. I basically have to put the doubt out of mind, because it doesn’t get me anywhere.

Hrm. It just hit me. Why would I want to be content? Would that necessarily be a good thing? If I were content with my current life, I’d want to smack myself upside the head. This haze, and nagging feelings are part of what keep me moving forward. Ah, here it comes. It’s not about how hard you can hit, it’s about how hard you can get hit, and keep moving forward. How much you can take, and keep moving forward.

The haze is a good thing – right now. I feel better now.