Retox the freak in me.

I contend that emotional maturity is, in part, recognizing that just because we feel something now, doesn’t mean we’ll feel it later. Every time something bad happens in our lives, at that time, it feels like the most dire thing in the world. It feels strong, it feels current, it feels important. It feels real.

Yet ask me to name some of these times and I really couldn’t tell you. Because things come to pass. They always come to pass. It’s always nice to have in the back of my mind I’ve dealt with worse. Which is why I like to observe my moods as they rise and fall. I have that confidence that I’ll endure. I’ll observe as I get frustrated and stressed. And notice later, almost as an afterthought, that I don’t feel anything like I did before.

Not to say I’ve perfected it. I’m still working on trying to be cool bitch whenever something gets to me. In addition to reminding myself that I’ve dealth with worse, I’m now trying to remind myself, “In five minutes, this won’t seem nearly as dire.” That old trick about counting to ten isn’t entirely futile. When we’re in the moment, that reactionary emotion carries us. Though, I think it takes a little more than ten seconds to be fully distanced from a reactionary emotion.

This wasn’t what I intended to write when I sat down.

How many times can we sit down and blather about how music can influence our moods? (Nevermind how we can learn who different stimuli can influence our mood; emotional maturity is, in part, learning how to give yourself the right stimuli.) I was watching Lost in Translation earlier this evening. It fit my mood. Which is kind of funny.

The movie’s about connecting with somebody in a faraway place. Nope, that’s not what I’m feeling. The movie’s about having everyone know you, while you’re in a faraway place, and the only person you connect with is somebody from where you’re from, yet that person doesn’t know you. Okay, nevermind the plot.

Lost in Translation takes on a slow pace which would probably make an underage view scratch his head, wondering if anybody’s going to get blown up. If anything I relate to, it’s Charlotte’s lamenting about her place in life. And, of course, Bill Murray being Bill Murray. I’d pay to see Bill Murray be Bill Murray in a Bill Murray movie. Oh wait, I have.

The movie made me want to put on some fat beats and meditate. There’s just one hitch with that. I’ve heard all my techno before. It already has associations, in some way. Reminds me of how I heard Kashmir on the radio today. Great song to space out to. Unfortunately, I listened to it a lot post-Angel, so the song tends to give me an odd feeling. A feeling of despair and wonder. Of loss and longing. Somebody else can just as easily feel other things and those things would be just as valid.

I bought some CDs via El Internet a couple weeks ago, and I’m just now listening to a newer Fatboy Slim album. I bought it specifically for Weapon of Choice. I put it on random with a bunch of other music yesterday. Bird of Prey caught my ear, and I just had to listen to the entire CD this morning before going to work.

It hits me, “You can just associate this CD with right now. This is good music. This is a good feeling you have. Capture it.” Quasi-meditating to Retox is odd, especially with the repetitive spoken word. I just can’t help but move my body to it. I’m so glad I bought decent headphones, as opposed to hefty (and audible) speakers.

Music is personal, is it not? Ever feel like you’re the only person listening to it, discovering something nobody else has? That wonder that comes with new music puts a taste in our mouths that’s eventually swallowed, and that’s how massive collections are born.

It’s a nice place I’m in now, I guess. I guess? It’s nice knowing the hard part is over. Compared to a year ago, I feel much more in the clear. Calm. That weight that was over me is gone. I have a tendency to visualize timelines in conjunction with things, whether it be an emotional plane or simple dates on a calendar. Also, I tend to visualize summer months as going left-to-right, whereas I visualize winter months as going right-to-left. I’ve always done that, and I’m not quite sure why. Maybe because I know time is circular, though I somehow doubt I ever decided “I should visualize time as a circle.”

While there is virtue to being content with what I have, I’m well aware that I can’t stay here forever. Gotta be content with Panera while looking for what’s next. I only want to GOTO school to keep my feet moving. I don’t really want to do actual classes. But I know if I don’t, I’ll feel odd after a while for not having any direction.

Thus, as good as I’m feeling, there’s that feeling in the pit of my stomach that there’s more to do. Much more. I’ll be good at whatever I do, just have to pick my next move.