Reoccurring Elena Feelings.

I wonder when she’ll fade from my mind. I silently thank that I seem to be finally over Angel, for whatever it’s worth. But she hasn’t. Sharon has done me a favor by – well, I’m not going to get into it. The break Sharon and I had was such where, for whatever reason, I didn’t long for her afterwards. But Elena.

Oh, Elena. At times, she feels like the one that got away. It’s funny how this mood was brought on. See, I’ve been amusing myself with LJ. I promise you, I have NOT been actually writing there. I haven’t a single real entry (Okay, I have maybe one real entry), the rest are just conversations or dick-pictures. Oh the things I do with my spare time.

Elena had an LJ, a long time ago. I remember reading the entire thing. Now and then, I like going back to it and seeing if she’d written anything else. I usually find it static. And suddenly, typing in the address bar, I couldn’t remember her LJ name. I probably should have been glad that I had forgotten something. I remembered how she had her LJ linked off her OD. … I remember when her OD got purged after she abandoned all internet activities. Seeing it gone as like seeing a part of myself purged, never to be seen again. I nearly cried when I got the 404 error page.

It’s the same theme over and over again with my longing. I’ve gone it down to the simple fact that I want to be a part of her life – and I can’t. I think that’s about as honest as I can be with myself. She’s gone, I know this. And while all the memories in the past, I wonder how she is now. I remind myself again and again that SHE’S GONE, GET OVER IT.

Logic can’t fight a feeling.

It’s funny how detached from reality feelings can be. I try to place where I was in life when she was in my life. When she was around. When we talked, what I would have discussed with her. I was trudging through my first year of college. She was three years younger than me (freshman in high school) and yet, I felt like she understood a part of me that nobody else did. Maybe that says something about me. I remember Ahab the Horrible, my first roommate. I remember the stress of moving. I remember my first job.

And yet, when I think about just her, and focus on that feeling of her, those things don’t come to mind. One word comes to mind: Freedom. I’m not really sure why. I think of spasticness. Dorkiness. Smiling, e-hugs, rejoicing over the thrill of a good pee, The Sims. Of nodding solemnly and my corresponding nodding decisively. Of a week where I spent 80 hours with a girl I liked, and really felt like we connected. Of hopes and dreams. Of being fearless. Of simply plotting to spend time with her without a clue of what we’d do to pass the time. Of a friendship free of sexual innuendo, yet spilled into something more.

…

I lament about how online friendships haven’t been the same. The people I met during my first run on OD simply aren’t of the same.. mold as the people I might run into now. Maybe it’s just my perception. *shrugs* Emmy has a unique perspective, I suppose. She’s the one that got me into OD. She knows about the so-called image, she’s read my diary before. But to her, I’m just Timmy. It’s hard when it feels like the people you talk to don’t see you as human. Nothing personal against anybody. Just an overall observation/feeling.

I’ll outgrow Elena in time. I hope. I thought it might be healthy to at least face the feelings and identify why I feel such and such, as opposed to bluntly burying it. Angel stuck with me for a long time because she was my first, and there were the strongest feelings I’ve ever felt when I was with her. But we never really had a relationship – so it was simply a matter of time before I could see her as a human. Or something like that. Before anything else, Elena and I were friends. It’s about the closest I’ve gotten to a real relationship. Sad, eh? Well, not in a “I suck” way, but in a “wow, bummer” kind of way.

Cliff’s voice rings in my head, telling me that I can have it again. And he’s right, of course. I can have better feelings than I had with Angel. I can have better closeness than I had with Elena. That taste of what it’s like to actually be able to talk to somebody you like. It meant so much to me that Elena and I could just chat. Well. I can have more of that. Much more. Cliff’s voice rings in my head. Elena isn’t any different from any other girl. I can do it again with any other girl. She’s just a girl. Just a girl. The only difference is I met her and I got to know a part of her.

It’s all rhetoric, to distract is from what I’m feeling. I know how these moods go. I’ll wake up in the morning and go on with my life. But I do wonder when I’ll think about Elena and I won’t want to cry. Only a matter of time, I suppose.

…I try to look at her abandonment from her perspective. Maybe she really did want an internet sabatical. I was pretty absent over winter break. But. I didn’t completely ignore those important to me. You can withdraw without abandoning. She told me that I’m a big boy and can take care of myself. Looking back, I admit I was a bit dependent on her. But. She abandoned me, she did not handle that situation maturely; I have no idea what hammering this into the ground is supposed to accomplish.

I like looking back, now and then. It really refocuses the now. Moods change. Feelings fade. This entire week, as stressful as it was, I won’t need to feel it again. I have this vision of me being so bogged down with work. I’m not sure why, it never really happens. When I am bogged down with work, I’m kind of happy. Why? Because I’m accomplishing things. It’s only when I’m not doing anything that I’m not happy.

And god damn it, I’m ignoring my paper journal again. But really, what am I supposed to write about anymore? *laughs* Babble, babble. This was for me. And now I am done. I actually feel better now that I’ve gotten all that out, my mind feels clear enough to .. either move on to other things or not think about anything at all.