Reframing the obvious!

(I was reading some old entries, and I ran across the old line about how freshman year of high school, I ‘decided to be more assertive’.)

Ah! The great decision to be more assertive! I understand the context of this now. Finally. This was no ordinary decision. I did not suddenly decide to ‘get over’ myself. Nor did I just “grow up”. No, quite the contrary. What happened then is no different than what’s happening now. I saw something that was seriously holding me back. Holding me in a rut. I said, “Enough of this shit” and decided to stop being shy. It hurt a lot, but I knew that I could no longer hide from the world.

That was just one wall of a million I voluntarily tried to knock down. Unfortunately in punching that wall down, a host of other problems cropped up. More defense mechanisms to protect me from the same world I wanted to desperately to be a part of. Such is life. I’m debugging myself of those problems, as well.

It’s like Cliff suggested a long time ago. To figure out how I got this way, I’d have to go through everything that ever happened to me in my life. It’s quite clear that even in the simpliest of memories, that can be something else entirely going on.