Paternal Metamessages.

As a preface, I realized I’ve been utilizing the concept of metamessages lately. Listening to both the words coming out of someone’s mouth, and the nonverbal communication that goes with it. Tone of voice and such.

My dad’s been nagging me for a while to add more oil to the van. I haven’t gotten around to it. It’s a little low, but I’ve ridden around with it lower. It’s a curious little example of miscommunication. Where to begin…

He used his condescending voice on me. I know the one. It’s the one he uses when he wants to irrationally try and scare me into doing something. It’s the “Take me seriously, I’m YOUR FATHER” voice. I’m sure you know the one. Typically if I say anything to him past this point, he will become even more irrational. In fact, utter honesty is the worst way to communicate with him. I pointed out that his voice was condescending, which, guess what, made him more condescending.

What was he saying? Oh right. “It’s your responsibily to take care of the van. It’s on its last legs, when it finally breaks, you’re going to have to walk.” Something like that. My memory wants to plug in things like, “It’ll have been your fault”, but I told myself that it was the word “responsibility” I wanted to focus on. It’s so funny having a conversation with him, because I’m also talking to myself at the same time.

Hell, I’m not even sure what I said to him that set him off. I’m a very straightforward person. I asked why he’s getting so upset over this, and asked why his priorities where the way they were. I think he thought I was just refusing because he was telling me. Is that a factor? Probably. But there’s plenty of van-related thing that I just don’t get around to doing unless it’s broad daylight and I’m about to go somewhere.

Oh. I’m skipping the obvious. We were about to leave for the Y. He said could put a quart in the van. This rubbed me the wrong way, so I went inside.

But why? Forget him for a moment. Why does that bother me? I think, it’s the message, “You’re a failure when the van dies.” Or simpler, “You’re a failure for driving the van.” That’s the message I get from him whenever he states how I don’t drive the van enough to put too many miles on her. That’s right. Statements of van mileage effect me. Benign statements I take the wrong way.

I know this is all scatterbrained. So be it.

Let’s remember that emotional perception for a moment. How do I feel whenever my parents actually DO say something encouraging? Really, how do I feel? I can tell you: Mistrustful. My instincts tell me that they’re lying to me, or deceiving me. No wonder I had such low self-esteem. Not even like they bothered encouraging me much in the first place.

Do you know what happens whenever I actually share my own feelings? There is absolutely no validation. I never sense like THEY sense that I’m sharing something. There’s no sensitivity. Just like Paige, instead of accepting my feelings and wondering how to change that, they argue over the basis of me feeling whatever I’m feeling in the first place. Which is stupid, because feelings ARE what they are, and you can’t argue them away.

Which is why I’ve learned to shut down over the years. What choice have I had? If I share anything, I’ll get hurt. They’ll just bring shit up and throw it in my face. Ooooh, you’re DEPRESSED. This is something we take very SERIOUSLY!! Even if they mean well, it only comes off as mocking. Complete lack of emotional sensitivity.

And I reiterate: Like taking to a wall.

But for a moment, let’s put my own sensitivities aside. There’s really nothing that my dad can do. Is there even a right way to deal with me? There sure is for other people, but he seems to get screwed no matter what he does. Or, rather he seems incapable of giving me whatever it is I need.

I mean.

What did he really say to me? Add more oil to the van. If it doesn’t, it’ll die.

I think what got to me was how quickly he put on his condescending voice. I give myself credit for keeping a calm, even voice. Did I even antagonize him much? Beyond the initial irrational refusal, I played Captain Obvious. Which is what he does. I’m just wondering if there’s any way to reach him. In the same way that there’s nothing right he can say, it seems there’s nothing I can say that seems to gain any life out of him.

*yawns* Me tired. Perhaps on another day, I’d have been more concise. No matter.