On Resolutionists.

Every January 1st, there’s always an influx of new members to gyms across the world. Why wait until this day, it’s not my place to judge. They decided, “This is the year I’m going to lose those twenty pounds.” Or, “This is the year I’m going to get toned up.” And every year, fitness communities heave a very patient sigh. Sometimes they last a day. Sometimes a week. And sometimes they stick around permanently and join us. We call them “resolutionists”.

But fear not! I’m trying to keep my snark in check. I think it’s absolutely awesome that you’ve taken an interest in exercise this year. Here’s some amateur advice to help you along.

#1: Do something you enjoy.

No, seriously. If you want to lose weight, you hate treadmills, yet your plan is to.. use.. a treadmill? What the fuck is the point? You’re shooting yourself in the foot before you start.

I enjoy weightlifting. Does this mean everybody should weightlift? Well, if everybody did, I’d probably have to fight for a squat rack. Whoops, sorry, my snarkometer just went off.

Lift weights. Do yoga. Do pilates. Learn how to kickbox. Flip tires. (No, seriously.) Swim. Do laps. Shit, just fuck around in the pool for an hour. Jog. Sprint. Farklet. Be a triathlon. Be an ironman. Take up rowing. Use an elliptical. Use the goddamn Wii balance board. Use bodyweight. Use kettlebells. Take a spinning class. Run a spinning class.

You know what you’re going to do? AWESOME. Let’s move forward.

#2: Plan WHEN you’re going to do it.

So this is the year you’re going to get SERIOUS, right? Awesome! I believe you. Now.. when is this going to take place? Think about your life. Where does exercise fit? Whenever you feel like it? Whenever? NOT GOOD ENOUGH.

I lift monday/wednesday/Friday in the morning before work. This is exceedingly habitual for me to the point where I don’t have to think that hard about it. But it’s this way because I’ve structured my life around it. I know that if I have work at 11, I need to be up sometime around 7 AM to have enough time to lift. I also know think one step behind that, to know that I better be dead sleep by midnight to get seven hours of sleep. Miss that key step, and suddenly I might as well sleep in.

Oh sure, it’s fine to go to Plan B now and then. It’s fine to say, “You know, I think I’ll sleep in and then do it in the evening.” But will you? Will you really want to? Moreover, are you even a morning person in the first place? Maybe you’re better off at night. In which case you better think about your nights. How much time will you require to do your exercise? How much time will you need between getting off work and beginning exercise? About how much time do you need to unwind after exercising and falling asleep?

You get the idea. If this is all slightly patronizing, I apologize. YA FILTHY OVERWEIGHT MAGGOT! Oh wait, sorry. I was watching Rocky II earlier, I must have been channeling Mickey there.

#3: Set a goal.

You might think this should be the first thing I should mention. In fact, as I type, I’m pondering that myself. But without a will and a way, there is no goal. Without using a mnemonic device, goals should be: specific, measurable, attainable, realistic, and time-based. (Aw crap, it IS mnemonic.)

I’ll stop picking on fatties. (I love fat chicks, anyway.) Let’s suppose a guy says, “I want to tone up!” This is an absolutely terrible goal. What does it even MEAN? It’s vague, and how is this person supposed to know how he’s going to do it? Or, rather, how will he know when he’s reached his goal?

Okay. Let’s suppose a guy says, “I want to squat 1000 lbs in a year.” It’s specific, it’s measurable, for sure. Is it realistic? Not in the slightest. Is it attainable? Maybe by .0001% of the world’s population, and even then, NOT in a year’s time.

Let’s get closer. My max squat is around 235 lbs. Let’s suppose I were to say, “I want to squat 315 lbs by the end of the year.” Specific, measurable, maybe even attainable. But realistic? Sometimes it’s better to break big goals down into smaller goals. “I want to squat 275 lbs by July.” I’ll have to accomplish 40 lbs in the next six months before I can even think about 50 lbs in the six months after that.

To borrow from a friend, if I wanted to run 1000 miles this year, I think we’d all agree that I’d need to run 500 miles by July. Your goals should also fit your level of fitness. She’s in shape. You.. may not be. ; )

What’s one of my goals? My pregoal was to simply “Stick with starting strength”. But for how long? When does it stop? Until I get sick of it? I needed a time component. So now my goal is: Run Starting Strength through three soft deloads of the squat. It goes without saying that I’ll be lifting three days a week, m/w/f, sometime in the morning. Soft deloads of the squat might sound like an odd time-constraint, but it’ll mean I definitely gave the program all I had. I will reach this point one way or another.

For the sake of saying it, a healthy amount of weight to lose is around 1-2 lbs per week. Don’t scoff, don’t crash-diet, and don’t try to do it all at once. 1 lb a week over a year’s time is around 56 lbs. Did you lose 56 lbs last year? If you did, mad props. If not, be patient.

Of course, goals are all well and good. But without a plan, it’s all pipe dreams…

#4: Establish a plan to reach your goal.

You’d think this is close to #2, and maybe it is, but for me you have to show up before you can start phasing in an actual plan.

So, you know WHAT you’re going to do. You know WHEN you’re going to do it. You know WHY you’re doing it. And, odd as it might sound, you need to know HOW you’re going to do it.

I’m not saying that everybody that walks into a weight room on January 1st needs to be an expert weightlifter, or a spinning champion bringing out her winning routine. For the completely untrained, just showing up for a month gets you mad props. (That’s a good thing, ya know.) But at some point, you NEED to get organized. Runners get anal about their running. Lifters get anal about their lifting. People that do yoga get anal while doing yoga. (Har har.) Do you need linear progression? Do you need undulating periodization?

What you do NOT need is to run into the gym and try to decimate yourself every day. That’s a quick way to make yourself quit. No, NO. Do NOT decide, “I’m just going to run until my pants fall off.” You’ll embarass yourself, in part because you’ll end up quitting, and because you won’t be wearing any pants.

Start gently. If you’re swimming, find what feels comfortable for a day’s work. Establish that as a baseline. Then decide, “Huh. I did x laps today and felt taxed. I’ll try for x+1 laps next week.” Then another week decide, “I’ll try to do x laps in less time.” Is it obvious I know nothing about swimming? Moving on.

Educate yourself. Join a forum. Join a community. Get flamed. Feel a little butthurt, and grow a thick skin. Learn. Buy a book. Find a mentor. Get a routine. Make a routine. Know what you’re doing for the next month.

If you realize your goal isn’t.. quite what it needs to be, augment it. It’s OKAY to change goals. Running to lose weight, and running for mileage, are two different ventures. Lifting for strength, and lifting for hypertrophy would require different strategies, as well.

I can’t list every possible plan or every possibility. You need a Plan so what When you show up to do the activity you Enjoy, you will reach your Goal. Got it?

Huh, I thought I’d have more, but I can’t think of anything else critical to say.

#5: All else fails, remember rule #1. HAVE FUN.

See you at the gym. AND DON’T CURL IN THE GODDAMN SQUAT RACK. Well, unless you’re curling 95 lbs or more. That might shut me up. I’m a weakling, ya know.