On Padmé, Anakin, and Force-Rape.

So, the girl and I have watched Phantom Menace and Attack of the Clones recently. Say what you will, I liked the prequels. In some ways, they’re BETTER than original Holy Trinity. Get over it, seriously. But if there’s one common thread that consistently felt all wrong, it was the romance between Anakin and Padmé.

You have to spawn Luke and Leia. Yes, a necessity. But maybe this is a stupid question, but why did it HAVE to be a romance? Think about it for a minute. I can completely buy five year old Anakin getting a boner for Natalie Portman. I mean, who wouldn’t? In a desolate place like Tatooine, there aren’t a lot of attractive women. So it makes sense that Padmé completely shapes Anakin’s sexuality, and becomes his prime prize. I’m comfortable with that. Anakin is a whiny bitch who gets a hard-on for an older woman. That’s okay.

On the other hand, we have Padmé. Much like her daughter, she’s a take-charge kind of woman. She’s an otherwise likeable protagonist, and someone we generally root for. But there’s a huge dichotomy between being an intelligent, articulate woman and suddenly falling for Padawan Poopiface. I can see Padmé tolerating Anakin to a degree, and maybe trying to see his good side. But remember that in Attack of the Clones, Anakin slaughters an entire village of tuskan raiders because of his mommy. He admits he even killed the “women and children”, too. Now this isn’t a time to go “Oh, little Ani, poor boy”, it’s a time to go, “Anakin, you’re a fucking Jedi, and that’s slightly off the goddamned deep end.”

Now, follow me for a second. This moment should have marked when Padmé realized Anakin was falling to the dark side. As a result, she should have said, “Anakin, I don’t feel safe around you anymore. What happened to you?” Anakin, disturbed by the death of his mother and his own violent behavior, would decide that he doesn’t want to lose Padmé either. Thus, love would turn into obsession.

Back up a moment and remember that Palpatine was mentoring Anakin and feeding him all sorts of bad advice. Remember that in Phantom Menace, he says, “I will watch your career with some interest” Perhaps there or at a later time, he could mention that if he grew his powers strong enough, he could “make” Padmé love her. Now what’s more compelling, reciprocated love, or unrequitted love? Madman Anakin with a deranged love for Padmé is far more compelling, in my opinion.

So, back on Tatooine after Anakin kills all the women and children. He could say something silly like, “Why won’t you love me? I’m an all-powerful Jedi!”

And she’d say something chiché like, “I could never love a monster like you, Ani. That’s all you’ve become anymore, a monster.”

Of course, Anakin regains his composure, just enough to continue as Obi-wans apprentice. But underneath, we’d know the darkness brewing, the unrequited lust.

So, anyway, this all leads to the simplest solution of all. How do Padmé and Anakin end up spawning our heros in the next three films if Padmé won’t touch him with a five-foot pole? Force-rape.

No, seriously. Force-rape. Until he finally falls to the dark side in Revenge of the Sith, Anakin just isn’t that evil. He’s just a whiny brat, and obviously confused. Toss in a little force-rape, and HOLY SHIT, you’ve got yourself a goddamn villian! Anakin would declare that he must have her, and so he does. He violates her and tosses his seed inside her. Because apparently there’s no condom training for Jedis. But then he realizes that he’s only having her body. He wants her mind. He wants her to love her.

Enter the promise of the dark side. Screw “saving her life” and “bringing back the dead”. There’s nothing more deranged than a man who wants a woman to love him. Palpatine would convince him that if he comes to the dark side, he could make Padmé genuinely love him. Let nine months inexplicably pass. He won’t know about Luke and Leia. Luke is sent away for safety. Padmé would want to raise Leia herself. Thus, no plot hole. Remember that in Return of the Jedi, Leia has memories of their mother.

Order 66 ensues, fall of the Jedi, yada yada. Climactic scene with Obi-wan and Anakin. He gets his ass kicked and gets the Darth Vader helmet. The circle complete, there’s only one deed left to do. I say Padmé would have an iota of force powers in her. No, seriously. If Luke and Leia have force powers without being useless, it stands to reason that it’s possible Padmé had them all along. She’d sense Vader looking for her. She’d want to keep Leia safe.

So in the end, Vader tries to make Padmé love her. And what happens? It kills her. Screw Palpatine lying to Vader and saying he killed Padmé “in his anger”. Have Vader literally KILL the woman he loves. His descent to the dark side is complete, and he has nothing left to live for. Thus, he spends the next 17 years doing his master’s bidding.

At least, it makes sense to me. Little Ani gets a boner for the beautiful older Padmé. He grows up and says, “I love you!” She says, “Uhhh, that’s nice.” He goes slightly nuts. He says, “WHY WON’T YOU LOVE ME?” She says, “Cuz you’re fucking psycho.” He says, “Bah! FORCERAPE!” Then Palpatine says, “Using the force, you could MAKE her love you.” So he says to Padmé, “By the power of the Force, LOVE ME!” And Padmé is killed. Then he goes, “Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!”

I think you get the idea. :: waves his nerd flag ::