On Introversion.

When did I get so uptight? My writing used to be about openness and letting it all hang out. It was like an interior monologue strewn across the public for all to see. Is it because there’s nothing to write about anymore? After the 4th party, I meant to hang out with Erik and Liz. I meant it.

But what has my life become? Routine? Boring? Monotonous? Is… Do I feel a sense of shame to the sad shame that is my normal life? I know it’s true. The cycle of work and everquest2. It’s entirely my fault. I fell out of balance.

It’s more than just regressing in the post-break-up state. It’s more than defaulting to the path of least resistance in the summer. It’s my life and the way I don’t reach out to the people I care about. I know they don’t always reach back at me. Shit, have Erik or Liz contacted me about hanging out? Have THEY planned anything? It’s a two-way street, but I can’t help but look at how I haven’t been taking that first step.

I feel somewhat better having seen family recently. I’m a total failure at trying to keep in contact with family. My Grandma in Minnesota, I hadn’t seen in years. I don’t really care for her – but she’s still family. Concurrently, I hadn’t seen my Aunt Gita in a while. She’s cool. Wendi’s out in Indiana. I’d love to talk to her more – but I don’t know what there is to talk about. Gossip about dad? Is that it? Is solely the blood bond all there is? I love my sister, don’t I have other shit in common with her to chat about? I barely talked to my mom previously and now she’s in upstate NY with my Grandma.

I always have this sense of privacy of myself. “Don’t cross the streams” and shit. Worrying about embarassing myself. Feeling self-conscious. One way or another, I’ve really shut down over the last three years. I had an entire relationship and barely talked about it. I tried talking about the good times. I know I certainly avoided talking about the bad times.

What the fuck happened to me? When I was in the middle of outright depression, I was open as fuck. Even though I didn’t really have the emotional awareness and utility yet. Now that I AM emotionally aware and capable of dealing with shit I DON’T TALK ABOUT SHIT ANYMORE. I don’t like it! I DON’T LIKE IT!

The truth may set you free, but it’s going to take a concentrated effort to actually do something about this. This isn’t the first time I’ve felt or talked about this, and I know it’s not the last.

Despite all this, I’m in the middle of the best vacation ever. Today’s the last full day, then Jessica Emsley goes home tomorrow. Not the first time I’ve gotten into a girl knowing she’d have to vacate the premises. Difference here is that my life here goes on, she goes back to Seattle and continues on her life. To borrow a phrase, what happens in Jersey stays in Jersey.