On Happiness.

I feel really good. It’s important to me to annotate when I’m feeling genuinely happy. I feel calm, centered, and balanced. Emotional spikes happen, and generally indicate a deviation from emotional homeostatis. It doesn’t mean feeling nothing, it means nothing terribly jumping out.

I guess after so many years of struggling with unhappiness, I was convinced that there would never be a time when you ride off into the sunset. I still don’t believe that. But knowing I have to work on happiness, and consciousness do things which will cause happiness definitely motivated me. The belief that you need static things in your life and then suddenly you will BE happy, well, that just never made much sense to me. It seemed to cheapen it, somehow. There’s a sense of satisfaction in having earned happiness.

I guess I didn’t even realize how much the break-up with Candi had effected me. It was a really, really passive effect on my emotions. Once the initial spikes of emotions passed in the two weeks after we broke up, some part of me thought “Well, that’s that.” But I logically knew the effects would be more long-lasting. Hence the importance in recognizing that, almost two months later, I’m still rebounding. Spending time with her yesterday really, really made me feel better. It gave me a real sense of security, intimacy, and of being loved. If nothing else, what good is an ex for but to have that unique perspective into you? We’re still feeling out our dynamic, but I think everything’s going to be okay.

I think I’m in the clear regarding my emotional flame-ups for Miss Emsley. It’s a pain in the ass, because trying to repress it just shuts me down. Expunging is kind of embarassing, however necessary. I don’t want to be fawning over her. So I’ve just respected my emotions, and in doing so, they’ll cool. Otherwise, she’s still a close friend who I talk to periodically about whatever the hell crosses our minds. She called me last night. I had this crazy idea she’d want space, so it was nice to be called without me asking whatsoever. I still think we’ll talk at most once a week. The time difference means I can stay up late while ensuring she gets sleep for work, but I still need to get sleep myself now and then. The promise remains less a dramatic declaration and more of a fact. Everything is going to be okay with her.

Which brings me to the big picture. I’ve recently put a picture of maslow’s hierarchy of needs on my desktop. There’s some huge difference between me and three years ago. It’s that second tier that’s really been strengthed. I’ve really grown in my job since then. I have, gasp, confidence! I have pride! I’ve acquired credit cards and really examined my spending. Sometimes tightening and affirming that I rock at budgeting, and sometimes letting myself just fucking buy shiny things. Because I deserve to reward myself.

Hell, just as much, the third tier has been strengthened. Strangely, the divorce seems to have mellowed my dad a bit, and we’re actually getting along better. Dead-serious. I was looking over some direct quotes from him years ago, and he hasn’t said anything nearly as “Hey, wtf” since. That’s the family facet of the third tier. Friendship, well. I’m still working on that. Third tier also has sexual intimacy, but I think just general emotional intimacy HAS to fit in there somewhere, or physical intimacy. I was so unhappy when I was cuddle-deprived.

Hrm, I suppose pride and confidence would technically go in the fourth tier, right alongside respect by others and self-esteem.

My point being that while I did take great strides after my rebirth, I’ve taken some steps to strengthen key basic things in my life. Consciously or not.

Which brings me to something my dad said recently. Going to paraphrase. “All you need is family, friends, and work.” To me, that seems to be the end result for the vast majority of people. My first reaction is, “Is that it? Just acquire these goods and you will attain happiness?” After all, plenty of people have family, friends, and work, and aren’t happy. Ah, but do they truely have these things? (Completely unrelated: fuck the spelling of “truly”, I don’t like it. I’M SPELLING IT TRUELY, BECAUSE I’M LIKE SHAKESPEARE, WHO WAS LIKE A BOSS.) For someone like me, I can’t live on the facade of things. Things only mean something to me if I TRUELY feel it.

So for someone like me, I have to take the long way. It’s hard to put into words where it starts and how the journey goes. I can’t just decide to arbitrarily desire these things as end results. The end results are attained as a matter of course, organically. Maybe for someone else, just blindly deciding that these things are important might work, but.. not for me. But that’s okay. I know that as a result of this long journey is a greater appreciation for everything I have attained. My quiet triumph that I have every now and then.

And, if nothing else, it IS pretty damned important to annotate when I’m in a good mood.

Invited Angie over. She’s never seen Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. While I was buying groceries, I got inspired to eat tacos. Yes, I do love mexican food that much. It’s been a while since I’ve shared my way of making taco salads with someone. I could make taco meat with Candi, but she would only eat it with her gordita kits and the dressing that came with them. Silly female. I still have two boxes of those left, I know we’ll use them eventually.

You know, everybody knows my favorite motto is “The truth will set you free”, and I still think “By any means necessary” fits, but I’m really starting to like, “Everything will be okay.” Because everything is okay, and will be okay.