On Feeling Loved.

For every memory there is an emotional core. In times of distress, I’ve taken to finding a moment to really focus on and associate those emotions with. A place, a theme, something, anything.

I still feel like crying, but I can’t.

I’m okay, but as always, emotions are complex. I was kind of blindsided, and I spent some time trying to really see what it was I was feeling. It frustrated me that I couldn’t quite place it. All I know, and I still can’t figure it out. Not that it needs “solving”; I’m being too hard on myself to think I can just know everything instantly.

I was having a really good day, too. I was relaxing, too. Where was I? What would I want to remember from this?

I was independently the Gaming Club, the same Gaming Club that I feared. As I said to Cliff, they are not LARPers.

I have Kashmir playing, as my headphones are broke. I am sixteen years old again, feeling emotional while listening to Led Zeppelin. Feeling unloved, unappreciated. Only difference is now I’m aware of it.

It’s not that I am unloved or unappreciated, but more that I feel that I am. Emotions and reality is a distinction most can’t make. Though. While I can rationalize that I’m loved, I can’t seem to construct a way to convince myself that I’m appreciated. Curious. Perhaps it’s a signal to be more appreciative of other people. No. No, I have to pay attention to my own needs first.

It’s an emotional core of feeling a lack of intimacy, a general lack of connection, a lack of comfort with people. There’s a level in me that nobody’s ever touched, and I want so badly for it to be touched. I don’t feel comfortable with my own friends, what the fuck? I can’t even tell Cliff I love him. What the fuck?

So I showed at up Gaming Club today, and was asked my name, as I didn’t really give it out readily yesterday. I joked, “Captain Condom.” I knew only Victoria would get the joke. As I say, nobody ever calls me on it. So a good number of hours pass, and one of the janitors comes around. He says he’s seen me for two years, and has never seen me speak until today. He asked my name. I joke Captain Condom. Turns out I’m the only person without condoms on them.

I recall again joking about how it had been three years since I last had sex, so really no point. Actually, 34 months, but who’s counting? What’s his name, Mitesh? I forget how to spell it. I forget what he said. Damn it!

I said plainly how I want there to be an emotional connection, and that I want to feel comfortable with her. The response was, “Well, duh, why would you be with someone you aren’t comfortable with?” I laughed, which whithered quickly as I realized something.

Have I ever been comfortable with a girl physically?

At least, that was the seed that got the wheels turning. I know Victoria could read my immediate shift in emotions. I kept playing the game we were playing, but I otherwise closed off from conversation to analyze myself.

I went out to get a burger at some point. I paused for a moment to stand on the precipice overlooking the land. A small wall in front of the library, basically. I felt like it was a good spot to mark the occasion. I will remember it the same way I remember my little walks to White Castle during the dead of the night.

I thought over girls I’ve been with. I couldn’t really find too many examples that exemplified the emotion, aside from when I lost my virginity. I didn’t feel comfortable, and I pretty much forced myself to do it, just to do it. This is, of course, ignoring all the homosexual shit I did. That has to have traumatized me somehow. Has to. You can’t do that shit without giving yourself some sort of complex.

I calmed down by the end of most of the gaming. Before dispersing, Mitesh said something to me. He said I should have an experiment – make eye contact with girls. I replied that I do. I actually do. When I see people passing by, I tend to look, them straight in the eye. Then he said something about “sharing” something of myself with other people. I replied that I don’t like sharing.

I hate that implied metaphorical shit with people. It’s like dick-waving. I found his tone to be mildly condescending, though I know he didn’t mean any harm. Victoria commented that he’s a fixer. So on and so forth.

Victoria, Joe, and I were heading to Lot 3. Joe would be her other boyfriend, whereas Erikk would be the one she lives with. Frankly, I wanted to just talk to Victoria, as I don’t feel comfortable around males. It’s nothing personal, it’s just a very distinct feeling of distrust and terror that is very hard to fight.

Moreover, what I couldn’t say at the time is I don’t know how I’m going to deal with her being poly. I’ve always thought I’d be all mature and shit when it came to this. I’ve known poly girls before. I remember Corrin’s attitude about Amber, that she’s her own person and free to do what she wants.

But as I said to Victoria last week, whenever I meet someone and hear their story, I wonder how I’ll fit into it.

I’d go as far as I say that I’m ashamed of being jealous. It’s also a self-protective thing. I almost want to keep her at arm’s length to avoid myself feeling jealous.

Though, this seems like a minor thing. Ah. Or maybe I only want it to be a minor thing. Regardless, I felt it would be disrespect for me to .. feel? Strange. I don’t think I’m ready to explore this quite yet.

I’m kind of getting drowned in emotions as I write, it’s hard trying to sort it all out.

Victoria said something about self-improvement. I snapped something about how I’ve spent enough time trying to accept myself, that I don’t need to feel like I’m not good enough. She quietly affirmed that nobody was telling me that I’m not good enough. I’m very wary of self-improvement, because that was the Old Way. That’s how I used to be. That was me lying to myself and trying to be something I’m not. That’s the way that lead to delusions and me feeling like I could never be what I wanted. I find I’m much more content just saying fuck that, let me be however I am. The truth will set you free, I say. Let me find the emotional core, let me understand what it is I’m feeling. That will do more for me than forcing myself to do something that doesn’t feel right.

I know, a knee-jerk reaction, and not at all what she probably meant, but still. The phrase “self improvement” just doesn’t jive with me.

We walked down to Lot 3, and I put my bookbag in the passenger side of the van. I walked around to the other side of the van, and they were both looking at me. I knew they could sense the pain in me. I paused.

I paused long and hard.

Slowly we started talking, but with my memory, I couldn’t tell you about what. I told Joe that I don’t feel comfortable around him because he’s male. Maybe I should have been more direct, “I want to try and cry on Victoria’s shoulder and I don’t think I can do that with you standing here.” Even I have levels of forwardness, though at the cost of saving face.

Conversation moves quickly sometimes, and I have a hard time keeping up. I did, at least, bother having Victoria rephrase some things when I didn’t understand. I feel so dumb sometimes, unable to understand other people. I don’t really understand where I get this feeling of intellectual inadequacy from.

I wish I could make a list of things in conversation that I don’t understand. So I can talk about them! Victoria likes talking about her masculine side versus her feminine side. I don’t remember the exact phrasing, but she said something about her (weak) feminine side showing my (weak) masculine side? …Which was blatantly a sexual reference, but I have no idea how seriously to take it. That’s the problem with conversation, I just don’t know how to read people sometimes, and it happens so fast that I can’t ask, because I’m not even aware at the time that I don’t understand. Meh.

But the reoccuring voice in my head said over and over again, “There’s nothing wrong with you. These are just emotions. Explore them and you’ll feel better.” That knowledge that I’ll feel better, as opposed to feeling “trapped” in emotions. Knowing that emotions are temporary.

I just don’t socialize this intimately with people. It’s almost like a shock to the system.

Parting for the evening, I hugged Victoria. Tightly. As if to say, “Please don’t let me go. Please don’t leave me.” My fear of abandonment is an issue in itself, man. I wish I could cry, I would have right there. Her shoulder feels very comfortable. Plus she smells nice, but I was far too emotional to pay attention to something so sensory. I whispered quietly in her ear, “Thank you.” She looked me in the eyes in the dim parking lot light. She kissed my right cheek and told me not to be too intimidated by her masculine side.

(She was previously asking how it is I need to be handled. I said I’ve pondered over this for a while, and said that I do not have an answer. However, I know the direct approach tends to trigger my defense mechanisms. I work better with an empathic approach, telling me you understand how I feel and such. She might have been referencing her directness with me, but I’m not entirely sure. I did tell her that she’s someone that I’ll tend to be more patient with, so I won’t be immediately offended if she triggers something in me. That’s how I am. Same way Cliff used to say things to me, trigger something, but I’d never hold it against him because he’s Cliff. Though, I do try to communicate now when I’m feeling my defense mechanisms firing.)

In so many words, Joe said he likes how I’m always myself. Among other things. I really didn’t know how to respond to his rather forward compliments. I said, “I don’t know, I’m not really trying.” Which is, of course, the point. In some spots, his forwardness made me really uncomfortable, but I know he doesn’t mean any harm. I wasn’t sure how to express this without being disrespectful. It’s one of those things, he means something to Victoria, so I’m not going to be a outright dick to him.

Thinking for a moment about my masculine side, there’s an easy explanation. I’ve always been afraid of acting strong. Which is a stereotypically male trait, no? It’s much more natural for me to act more passive and submissive. I only seem to get aggressive as a defense mechanism. Or when I’m being direct with people, “Hey, back off. Don’t touch me.” Don’t know. I know on a basic level, I am afraid to act male. Well, at least I have no shame in admiring a good boob now. Victoria has a nice chest. She does! I should feel no shame in knowing this. : D

My god I’m drained. I was first drained from laughing, and now I’m just drained emotionally. And I’m still a little drained from being stuck in drive-thru for six hours yesterday. I think I’ve gotten down the big concepts. There’s always another day to tackle all this, I can’t expect for everything to be done by the time I hit the sack.

The moment. I made myself a moment. I walked on the precipice, thinking of all the girls past, of all the people I know now. I reminded myself that I am loved, and that I am worthy of love. That I haven’t had the best luck in the past, but I deserve to not settle. I deserve a girl who can appreciate me, and really see all of me. I reminded myself that there’s nothing wrong with me. It’s okay to feel. It’s not how hard you hit, it’s how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward, I thought. You have to let it all go, fear, doubt, and disbelief, I thought. Though it all, the quiet knowledge that I’ll rise above. I hope the day I feel loved and appreciated is sooner rather than later.