On Feeling Loved (2)

I got to thinking about my insecurities with people. Of how it has taken me years to relax with Cliff and company. I don’t think I felt fully secure with them until I hit rock bottom and they were there for me. Oh sure, there were lots of good times before that. But after I hit rock bottom, everything changed. Erik remembers how shy I used to be. Well, shyness is a relative thing – but that’s not the point.

Paige was the first person to ever make me feel loved and appreciated. I mean, no wonder I got so codependent on her! I needed that love so badly that I sacrificed my own emotional wants and needs. A strange paradox, no? A prime example is the time sex felt like a bad porno. I remember feeling, “You know, I don’t really want to be having sex right now.” In a healthy relationship, we would have stopped, and she would have respected that. But no. I didn’t want to upset her, even though it was my emotions in question. I hope in the future I’m able to express my emotions better in relationships, even if it’s potentially upsetting. After all, what’s a relationship if you can’t communicate?

I have a hard time feeling loved. This has gotten better over the years as I’ve tried to love myself. Still there are the very basic needs for emotional, physical, and sexual intimacy.

I wish I could feel loved easier.

While there are things popping now and and then, like this, I’m feeling rather emotionally quiet. I’m still making my way through all 2975 of my entries. I’m on entry 1874 right now, around March 2006. I think the number of entries posted has been inflated by exerbabble. No matter. I decided against splitting up my writings into separate places. No fracturing myself. Anyway, it’s like I had forgotten just how much I struggled emotionally my first year at county. There’s so many entries where I’m just struggling. That makes me proud. In part because I DID struggle, and in part because I’m beyond that now.

At least for now, I am very much in balance, albeit slightly stressed. I still don’t like doing schoolwork, but at least my default emotional scheme is better equipped to deal with it.

My nose is stuffy. I hope that store-brand knock-off of airborne calms down my nose. Man, it was just DRAINING while I was taking a shower. Now if you’ll excuse me, I require pooping.