On Fear of Abandonment.

This may be simplier than I thought. My first girlfriend dumped me for absolutely no reason. Elena abandoned me. (I forgive you.) Paige turned on me. The general feeling of lack of emotional support from mommy, as what usually comes with adolescence.

It’s so simple. Of course I have a paranoia regarding abandonment, and whether I’ll be betrayed. Some really random, stupid shit has happened to me. I also tend to trust too much, too quickly, almost on a serial basis.

And then there’s the distrust. When it comes to new people, I feel immediate distrust and discomfort. Maybe it’s simply the playground scenario, residual feelings of resentment towards those who ignored me as a child.

Victoria wants me to meet her friends. I know myself well enough to know I’m not ready. I’m proding myself to find the core of this. These people, her veritable family, are important to her. The last thing I want to do is be a dick. It’s not about me coming off as some awesome person. It’s about me having the right attitude so I don’t set off my defence mechanisms.

As in, if I’m shoved into a situation which I’ve already decided won’t work or won’t be enjoyable.. Well, that won’t work, will it?

Comments on how I prejudge people are completely applicable here.

I think further. It used to bother me how Cliff can see through me. Used to. Not anymore, because he’s Cliff, and I trust him. I’m not bothered that Victoria can see through me. In fact, it’s rather comforting to be seen on this level for once. But a room full of people that can see through me? I do tend to be rather naked. I don’t fake the funk. This is all that I am, and from that perspective, it’s rather intimidating.

Well, that makes sense to me.

As much as I’m placing expectations on other people, I probably place expectations on how I think they’re going to perceive me. Paranoia all over again. Ignorance is bliss – I seem to work best when I don’t even think about the fact that I’m scared or nervous or vulnerable.

First disable the defense mechanisms so I’m able to be emotionally and cognitively functional. Then deal with my own needs. Yes, my own needs are important, too. But that’s for the next entry.

Basically if my defense mechanisms shoot up in an environment where I don’t feel safe, I shut down. It’s happened before, and it’s very hard to fight, and very emotionally taxing to sort through on the spot. Shit, while I am in a great mood today, I just feel drained from yesterday. I even feel like I might be getting a cold. Might. We’ll see.

I don’t want her to mom me. I don’t want her to hover over me, holding my hand every step of the way, and I know she knows that’s not healthy for me, either. When I think about where I’d want her role to be, it goes back to the abandonment thing. It’s not about her keeping tabs on me in regular intervals. I’m not five.

It…

Of course, it’s so simple. If I’m emotionally healthy, I would be able to tell her when I need her. It’s only abandonment if she isn’t there for me. All that needs satisfying, deep down, is knowing that if I need her, she’ll be there.

(Sorry to use you as an example so much, Victoria, but this is a good scenario. It’s nice having a catalyst to my thoughts.)

It’s so simple. My parents are not capable of being there for me on the level of emotions that I experience. It just isn’t possible. As such, experiencing the world as I do, it’s incredibly lonely.

Man, I love how roundabout all this shit is. I already knew the end, but to go through the thought process really puts it all together.