Of wanting to be happy.

I remember back when I was crawling out of that emotional hole a couple of years ago, I wondered what “happiness” would be like. I’ve always wanted happiness that was permanent, lasting, and didn’t need maintanence. I was told it’s not quite like that. There is no such thing as perfect. Still, I was reassured that it does get better, and there is better.

It has gotten better, no denying that.

I just can’t help but feel uneasy now and then. It’s this uneasiness that comes and goes in the quiet moments, ever since I crawled out of that hole. That somber feeling between moments.

I don’t really know permanently happy people. Though, such people would be undoubtedly as delusional as those permanently sad. I have and do know people who are constantly down and can’t think positively much. Is our outlook just whether we’re a pessimist or optimist?

Eh.

I’m fine most of the time. When I keep busy. I enjoy my job, for the most part. Heck, I can’t stand when we’re slow, because I get bored. I love when we’re getting killed. I enjoy it. If I’m doing something, or about to do something, I feel fine. I just can’t seem to be as idle as I used to be. I recall how stressful I found yoga to be. Isn’t that retarded?

Funny, I originally had this whole train of thought because I was thinking about how great kids have it. No responsibilities. You don’t have to worry about money. You just ask for things. You screw up, but it’s expected, if not encouraged. You can spend entire weeks doing absolutely nothing, and it’s great! You can ask for everything you want for holidays, whereas I’m atrocious to buy for now.

But the thing is, I just can’t spend my time idly like I used to be able to. It’s like how I say I find it easier to relax at someone else’s house. The act of “being at someone else’s house” somehow constitutes “something”.

Of course, I’d rather be someone who can actively seek happiness, rather than someone that’s set one way or another.

I don’t know what I’m talking about. Something like I want to be happy without feeling like there’s something missing or something I should be doing, or how there’s so much more still to be done.

Erik Ericson said “The richest and fullest lives attempt to achieve an inner balance between three realms: work, love and play.” You might want to read some of his work if you haven’t already. I think you’ll find it interesting. That’s the quote I could find on the internet, but I think one of his principles is that individuals need those three things to achieve happiness.

i am pretty sure the feeling that something is missing is always there. sometimes you don’t notice it for years, but it’s there. i think it’s a human trait. we feel this push to constantly make ourselves, or the world better, or at least changed. when i finally bought my house, i felt relief and joy for a long time. now i’m starting to go through the list of “what am i missing here?” ithink the next step for me is travel. maybe you have a next step to figure out too? (apartment!!)