Naked Pangs.

There’s a fantasy a lot of us have. Well, a fantasy I had, at the very least. The Perfect Romance. There’s copious amounts of Emotion. There’s being able to Talk. Whatever talking amounts to. And of course, you’re so overwhelmed by this person that you find yourself with an inordinate amount of sexual desire.

Thus it’s not that surprising when we fall into situations where we use sex to prove a relationship.

Also shouldn’t be surprising that I’m still sorting through all the thoughts and emotions I had when I was with Paige. Every little pang in my mind is eventually going to sneak up on me in one way or another.

The current pang I’m mulling over is a very specific memory. I was doing her from behind. Which I kind of liked, it was the most pleasurable position for me (and her), and is what changed my sexual emphasis from breasts to asses.

So there I was, phwap, phwap, phwap. And I let my mind soak in the moment. Obviously, it worked. The staleness of the room. The rather routineness of the rhythm. In. Out. Noticing how it felt physically, how it looked to be penetrating her. Oh sure, it felt okay, she wasn’t exactly razor blades inside her Vagina. I felt like I was in a bad porno. The ones where the lighting makes the actors skin look bad, where the acoustics aren’t quite right, where they don’t look like they’re fully into it. Where you’re watching it, and you just can’t jerk off to it.

A singular thought which has echoed. Was it “I don’t really need to be doing this.” Or was it, “I don’t really want to be doing this.” Or was it, “I don’t need to be doing this.” The actual thought doesn’t matter, what matters is the feeling.

I wasn’t quite there.

I’m not as black and white as I used to be. This doesn’t mean all sex was void of emotion. Absolutely not. Nor do I need to suddenly swing around and justify all sex by claiming we were OMGSOINLOVE.

It was a moment of… emotional detachment? Whatever it was, it obviously bothered me. It’s just not a good feeling to be in the middle of sex and think, “I don’t really want to have sex right now.”

Which reminds me of other times I wasn’t “fully” into it. As if I had to somehow “prove” my sexual desire for her. In addition, out of some obligation to “keep her happy”.

Oh sure, I was sometimes into it. I’d imagine Paige might retort how I had sex when she wasn’t fully in the mood. I remember enough evenings where I’d turn her on enough to get her wet. Because I knew how to turn her on, most days. I remember evenings where she thought she wasn’t in the mood, but later changed her tune.

She never complained. She’d claim I was keeping her happy. She liked to fuck! So she claimed.

Never trust anybody that’s ubiquitously positive, or so I’ve inadvertantly learned.

I guess the real lesson is that I should have expressed how I felt. I did voice how I didn’t always feel “into” it when we were kissing. That’s a horrible feeling. But sex? I mean, what was I do to? I could have convinced myself I liked the sex. I mean, it’s SEX. What kind of “man” stops in the middle of sex, claiming he’s uncomfortable. That’s just embarassing.

But I’m better than that. I know that future partners will care about me enough that their own sexual pleasure won’t be as important as my emotional needs. Just the same as if I had a partner that did not want to continue, my own sexual needs would pale to my desire to withdraw and comfort her.

There’s not so much regret over our sexual exploits. That’s not so much what bothers me now. I merely sense this urge to retract into myself. I worry about whether I’ll be able to open up again.

But, of course I will.

There’s just a terror that seems to accompany getting close to someone now. Took a long time for it to develop. Maybe it needs to be there until I can rationally decide, “Okay. It’s okay to let go a little now.”

It’s an insult to the female gender to assume every successive female will be like Paige. I know better.

I’ll have better. I’ll have far better.

I crave emotional intimacy. I crave physical intimacy, too. Who doesn’t?

I know I’ll have it eventually.

But I’m lonely nowwwwwwww. *smirks*