My rock.

It’s really never been in my nature to be adventurous. It’s why I stagnated for so long. It’s almost disturbing to read my writings from ten years ago and see myself flinging myself against a brick wall over and over again. I wasn’t happy, but the thought of change was even more terrifying.

My dad’s been saying he wanted to have me stay over his girlfriend’s, and then head into new york city the following day. For my birthday. In his head, he feels he should pay back Joan for spending time with her family. And I sort of understand that. The thing is, trying to pass it off as a birthday favor is kind of insulting. Well, not majorly, just. I had to point out politely, “Uh dad, I hate New York City.” To which he replied by going on about all the things we could do. Classic not listening, which is ironically why I don’t bother trying to communicate more than a few sentences at a time.

I pointed out, “How would you feel if you were asked to stay the night at someone’s place which you didn’t know?” He had a moment of pause and acknowledged my point. Though, he still doesn’t get the arching picture. The girl didn’t take me into Newark to see a show. No, we saw an awesome symphony orchestra play Legend of Zelda music. (Which happened to be in Newark.) It’s just kind of sad that he’s so disconnected with the world.

If there’s one constant, he always reiterates, “Well, there’s always things that push us out of our comfort zone!” As if that’s all there is to life. How strangely nihilistic. Just because you’re uncomfortable doesn’t mean you should just blindly ignore it and trudge forth. If I were to go into the ladies room for no apparent reason, that would definitely be outside of my comfort zone. With good reason!

As I level up, I do wonder if there’s any hope for him. Is it.. pity? I’m really not sure. I wonder how he defines himself. Is this all there is to his existence? Is there nothing more? My arching non-stop interior monologue, how the hell did I spawn from these two people? I don’t think I quite have the vision yet, but I suspect I will someday. The vision to maybe, just maybe… help him.

Then again, ignorance is bliss, and it seems the more intelligent and aware one is, the more suffering they incur. That’s why Candi and I feel so deeply. Reminds me of the entire point. I have no desire to travel. I have no desire to explore. Getting myself out from under my rock takes a lot of energy. I speak in such strong terms when it comes to motivation and strength, because that’s the potency required for me to overcome. Candi helps me appreciate new things. And I’d like to think I help her appreciate being a bum and doing the same things over and over again. I like to think we complement each other well. Partners in struggle.

(Also, you bitches have such a short memory. The sky is always falling the moment OD has issues. Livejournal? Xanga? So many websites people have run to, and OD is still here. If you don’t like it, fucking leave, go ahead. *points* Lifetime member. There is simply no other website with this user interface. And after twelve years here, I can’t fathom starting over.)