My Penile Project.

While circumcision took only a few minutes to exact its horror and pain, the process of decircumcising is a far more long-term endeavour. It takes emotional fortitude that a lot don’t have. It’s frustrating to put effort forth, only to see minimal results. There are those before me who quit before they started. And there are those before me who have exacted their recovery.

I am a victim of Routine Infantile Circumcision. Two years ago, I set out to reverse as much as I could of the damage. I wrote about the process of “tugging”, only to watch a lot heads cocked as they scratched their heads. “Doesn’t that hurt?” Nope. If you’re doing something to your body and it hurts, you probably shouldn’t be doing it. “Will it work?” No foreskin restoration method is an overnight solution.

Two years ago, I thought I knew how long the path would be. What I didn’t anticipate was the intricacies of actually maintaining a tugging regimine. But, more importantly, to takes a lot of emotional fortitude to maintain focus on the goal. A lot of guys, rather than admit that there’s anything wrong with them, completely deny any virtue of the foreskin. Or just say they “don’t care”. Repression.

I was never destined for that. Foreskin Restoration is a full-frontal assault on the mind and body. It’s saying, “No, I don’t want to be this way for the rest of my life.” It’s realizing the point of why RIC shouldn’t be done in the first place: Choice. Due to a society and ignorant parents beyond my control, I was raised incomplete. Incomplete. I think more important than any physical change that takes place is the psychological shift in my mind from “incomplete” to “complete”. To look at myself and not feel shame or hatred or something I couldn’t control.

I can’t take back everything that was lost. That isn’t the point. But, I can do this.

I spent two winters ago tugging. It was a learning experience. And I did grow more shaft skin, believe it or not. Before I started tugging, I tried pulling my skin forward while erect. I had so little slack, it was extremely uncomfortable to do it. And now? I can masturbate with my shaft skin! The way it’s supposed to be done.

The glans was never meant for direct stimulation. Moreover, it’s a misnomer to call the glans “skin”, it’s actually a mucus membrane closer to the inside of your mouth or eyelid. Imagine if your mouth went dry and wasn’t moisturized for, say, twenty years. That’s what circumcision does; the glans is meant to be moist.

To that end, I started consistently tape-ringing two months ago. Really, I only wanted to keep the skin forward all the time. That excemplifies the psychological shift that has happened: I can no longer see my exposed glans without wanting it to be protected. I’ve moved beyond my circumcised state. I am decircumcising.

And. I’ve noticed a change in the texture of my glans. Not a total change, but a change. The corona, and the meatus seem definitely shinier. And redder, the way they’re supposed to be.

It’s almost pants weather. Actually, it’s cool enough where I can get away with wearing pants. And so, my new tugging regimine begins. I know how to keep my tuggy on without it falling off. (The inner foreskin remnant still moistens when it comes in contact with anything. A good thing — it’s the reason my glans has been healing. Early in my tugging, the device would fall off because the moistening would cause it to lose its grip.) If I put my tuggy on post-shower, and make sure only the shaft skin below the scar is used to grip, it will stay all day.

Something else. It recently became stupidly clear how skewed my circumcision scar is. Actually, it’s more than that. I noticed how it’s skewed a long time ago. As in, when I was like ten. When you’re young and don’t even know you’re circumcised, you just assume things make sense. “Oh. Oh, okay.” Get this: There’s more skin on the left side of my penis than on the right side. You can’t really tell visually without some creative manipulation. But. Trust me, I know. I just assumed that with the usual growth and stuff, the sides would have evened themselves out over the years. Makes sense, no? The doc either missed a spot, or cut off too much. Ha ha. See, I’m not as upset as I used to be. Either way, I intend to pull my penis towards my left leg to increase the tension on the right side of the shaft skin. Eventually, it will even out.

I don’t have coverage while soft. I don’t know who started the rumor that I did, but I don’t. I have partial coverage at times, depending on how my penis is feeling. Take how I’m sitting right now. Most days, the skin will actually scoot forward on its own. Amusingly, this makes my penis look incredibly small. But if I were to stand up, the fauxskin would eventually retract.

I want coverage. Ultimately, I want coverage while erect. I’m not the only one in the restoring community with this goal. That’s right, I’m not the only nut out there. There’s an economy of restoring devices already. Dunchaknow. This winter, I want coverage while soft. I think that’s a reasonable goal. I’m so close to it as it is.

This winter won’t be the end of it. And I doubt the winter after that will be the end of it, either. You can’t put a time limit on healing, on doing something that you want to do. It’s no different than trying to put a time limit on how long it will take for me to finish college. This will take however long it takes. And maybe another winter after that for good measure. : D

I know how I feel now. I’m educated. I’m abled. I’m progressing. And if I could get coverage without having to use something to keep it forward, I think I’d be estatic.

To reiterate, I don’t identify with being “circumcised” anymore. I was a victim, that’s for sure. I’m decircumcising. And when I’m done, I’ll be decircumcised.

This was my statement of purpose. My initial thoughts on Day One of my second round of tugging. I don’t really see the point in describing what exactly tugging is, as those that have been following me already get it, and there’s bound to be plenty of people along the way who will ask anyway. (In other words, nobody reads back entries.) Besides, Roy can do it far better than I can. Read his FAQ pdf. I learned something from it.

I have a zip file of intact penises uploaded for anybody that’s curious. However, I’d rather not incur the wrath of Bruce. I like this entry! Intact penises are just as unique as a girl’s vulva/labia. Some are better looking than others. I prefer the direct approach when it comes to the question of what a foreskin is. Believe me, when I was realizing that I was circumcised, I didn’t “get” what a foreskin was or looked like. Education!

(Note me, and I’ll give you the link. Odds are, nobody will read this far.)