My Instincts on Tara.

I feel better. I wasn’t sure whether Tara would show up in the café. I recall us loosely going over when we could meet up, and she said she could stick around on Thursday. So, I took on a negative attitude. Because whenever I take on a negative attitude, good things happen. Hey, it’s a psychological mindtrick. If she didn’t show, at least I wouldn’t have been as disappointed than if I was UBEREXCITED.

The normal chit-chat for a couple hours. I was going to point out how we’ve never finished a conversation, but then I asked her if she’s ever finished a conversation. Her tendency to keep talking could be potentially irritating, but I take it as a contrast to me. Most of my friends tend to talk more than me, anyway. Sort of. I have a penchant for blurting out inappropriate things, and laughing at things I shouldn’t.

I was feeling a little more ornery than usual. Okay, that’s partly because Tara knows a lot of people. I tend to have a negative disposition towards most people? *shrugs* Okay, fine, I was also annoyed because I hate being ignored. Whatever.

Driving to pick up my dad from the airport, I had some time alone to collect my thoughts and listen to my instincts. They always tell me varied things.

When Tara sat down with me, I felt like she was holding back from me. Certainly not in conversation, but I read body language. I’m in tune with things. At one point, I said something to the effect of, “Hey, I like you. Not like, OMGTARA, but you know what I mean. Do you want me to keep trying, or do you want me to back off?” I’m paraphrasing, because I don’t feel articulate in person. Just imagine me being my usual direct self. She reiterated that she tends to pull away from people, and to not be afraid to keep trying. So to speak.

Looking back, I’m reminded of a lot of things I’ve told myself over the years. I’ve told myself I shouldn’t be interested in a girl that isn’t interested in me. No? Sound advice, no? Ah, life isn’t always so simple. I just find it puzzling how girls are never so directly interested in me. Such is life. Do I be patient? Do I stand up for my emotional well-being?

Naturally, the most viable solution satisfies both. Just try to get to know her, understand her as an individual, and in doing so, I’ll get the best read on her emotional outake. As opposed to placing expectations on the girl. She is only a girl.

She sat down and started telling me about how she doesn’t feel like she knows herself anymore, or what she wants anymore. I don’t know her well enough to give viable advice, so I just took what she was saying and spit it back at her. It really works well for most people. Or, at least they can verify that you understand what they’re saying.

Sometimes I wonder what I’d want a relationship to be like. I don’t have much to go by. I see how Cliff and Erik have relationships. They see their girls, they hang out, and. Yeah? There isn’t much more to it beyond that.

If I think hard enough, I start wondering whether I even like my own friends. I know better than to doubt that. I absolutely love spending time with those weirdos. But something that’s always bothered me is how I’m closer with Women of the Internets than my own friends. I can directly communicate with Women of the Internets so much easier. Cliff and I are close, but it’s such a convoluted closeness. Is this normal? I don’t know what normal is. I’ve been socially retarded for most of my life, so I’m at a major disadvantage.

I ponder this because if Tara’s going to be my friend, she should probably have something in common with my own friends. Right? on some level. I like being around Tara. …That’s why I’m friends with my friends. There you go.

It’s not something I’d admit to myself in years past, but I think it’s something I should consider now. Tara’s virginity isn’t, in itself, a drawback. I don’t particularly care, as I have my own sexual reservations. But she strikes me as sexually conservative. Call me silly, but I think it’s important that girls masturbate. If girls masturbate, you know they’re comfortable with themselves.

Do I want to be sexual? Well, yes, in general. I should be honest with myself. Do I need to be sexual? No, not really. But I recall saying to myself at some point that it would be a shame if I ended up with a girl that isn’t as kinky as I am. Perhaps I should get interested in someone more sexual? It’s not fair to a her? Then again, I’ve been far too sexual in the past. Just stating it, so I can look back and note how mature I was to admit it to myself.

My basic attitude is that this is practice. I find these kinds of things fascinating. It builds confidence! I just have to keep my wits about myself, respect my emotions, respect her as an individual, and never lose sight of reality. She’s just a girl. I think the most important thing is for me to forget about her and take care of myself. My instincts tell me that she’ll stay interested in me, this will drag out, but she’ll never officially date me. I could get some very yummy cuddles out of her, and may even get to know her. But right now, my instincts say not much more. Hey, I like cuddling. I’ve never cuddled a girl smaller than me, and I reckon I like it. Don’t worry, ladies, I still love huge asses. I’m just appreciating something new and shiny.

:: hugs his instincts ::

A good mix of perspective, emotions, and whoremoans make for good times.

(I gotta be pissing off Darcey because I didn’t state what actually happened. Ha ha. I’m talking about my FEELINGS, Darcey! Har har. We chatted, some people came by, we played a card game or two, we cuddled a little, I went to pick up my dad from the airport and thought a lot. And here I am.)