My dad is a strange man.

My dad is so strange he can go from affirmative to negative in less than a few seconds, without seeing any contradiction with himself. As expected, my dad’s looking up alternators. I should mention that my dad really isn’t a car person. Hence why I know so little about cars. Chicks know more about cars than I do.

So my dad was saying how if it was summer, he wouldn’t mind trying to put it in himself. He rationalizes, “We’ve done other things!” So he brings over a picture of an alternator and says, “All you do is take out this screw here, and this screw here and.. okay, it’s very complicated.”

Unless he has some sort of dry sense of humor I’m not aware of, he wasn’t trying to be funny. My dad’s sense of humor is very obvious, and he’ll start laughing at himself.

I’m convinced my dad is completely detached from any sense of reality. Then again, my mom doesn’t believe in global warming, and voted for Bush. ..But, nevermind that.

Whenever I come back from school and my dad’s sitting in his usual spot (with that damn light on that he NEVER turns off, even if he leaves the room), he’ll say, “HI, TIM.” Now I’m sure you could argue this is a friendly gesture. He’s just saying hi. But now imagine over the course of a semester. You’ve got your own stress to deal with. And every single time you come home you get greeted with ‘HI TIM’. First off, this would be strange because your name isn’t Tim, and if you’re reading this, you’re probably a chick. Secondly, how the hell are you supposed to react to that? I remember last year, I was actually stressed out to come home, because I didn’t want to deal with them saying hi to me. My paranoia shot through the roof.

In the right light, my dad’s really just a sad old man. Ever see About Schmidt? That sort of vibe. Okay, maybe not that bad, but Cliff and I got a kick out of that movie. (Though, it did depress the hell out of us.) Anyway. My dad bought one of those already-cooked chickens you can serve. He told me he bought one and said I could have some. I said “that’s okay”. He asked why I didn’t want any, “What’s wrong with it?”

Let me put some context on this. I haven’t eaten any food they’ve made in months. My mom and I have an understanding, but my dad’s impossible to communicate with. He used to insist my mom would leave a portion of dinner left over for me. Even though I didn’t want any. Then he would passive-aggressively try to guilt trip me for not eating it. What the fuck.

So my mom comes home, and says she has leftover food with her. Sometimes after church, she socializes with her ladyfriends. Hey, she gets out more than my dad does. Power to her. Suddenly my dad’s thoughtful gesture has been rejected. Kind of sad, eh? I think I made a fact of the day once that people don’t always want what you’re offering them. Something like that. He likes being helpful, without regard for other people, and then gets offended if that help is unwarrented. Or something like that.

Years ago, Cliff thought I should try reasoning with my dad. You know, stop being an asshole. He’s since retracted his recommendation, and has admitted that my dad is, indeed, a very strange man. We can not figure out why my dad doesn’t like Cliff. It really hurts Cliff’s feelings. Cliff’s respectful and doesn’t do anything wrong. Cliff’s a straight-A student at a small liberal arts college in New Jersey! Surely this should improve my dad’s opinion. Cliff’s in mensa!

Hey, I didn’t say I understood, either.

(And the ‘small liberal arts college’ bit isn’t to mask where he goes, but to reiterate an inside joke between us.)

I’ve learned that brunt violent expression is the only way to register in my dad’s little brain. Rationalization and reason won’t work, because he’ll just argue with you, and tell you why you shouldn’t feel however you feel. He’s really emotionally void, and completely void of empathy.

Something my dad has done over the years is neglect to tell me things he’s going to do. Suppose we’re going to get groceries. Afterwards, he wants to drop by somewhere and get somewhere else. Say the pharmacy, for whatever reason. Okay, no problem. Just give me a warning beforehand. Take a lifetime of someone doing this to you, it gets on your nerves. You’re expecting to go home, and then, “Hey, let’s go blah blah blah.” Have this done to you, over a lifetime, it’ll annoy the shit out of you.

I happened to snap at my dad. I have a really horrible temper that nobody except for my dad, and my exgirlfriend, have ever seen. So this past weekend, he wanted to stop by somewhere to get some lemons before heading somewhere else. He told me beforehand. See! That’s all I wanted! No big deal! Of course, he coupled this with, “Since you got all upset last time.” Thus, proof that he has no idea why I yelled at him. He’s like a lab rat. Shock him enough times, he’ll change, but there’s no thought process there.