My 3000th Entry, Part I

3000 Diary Entries.

2691 Public – 271 Favorites Only – 38 Private.

37567 notes.

I remember writing Swan Song, my 1000th entry. But that was a different time in my life. In part because I’m not even sure of what I’ve written in the past 2000 entries, I went through all of my entries. It’s hard to pick out what’s “good”. How do you quantify your own writings? Do you pick what others would want to read, or what’s personally meaningful to you? I naturally did a little of both. In the process of reading back entries, there were a lot of favorites-only entries that I realized didn’t need to be protected anymore. Time can make some embarassing things seem rather silly in retrospect.

I’m not expecting anybody to actually look at all of these. Hell, maybe this was partly for me, to reread everything. I write to remember. Open Diary serves as an archive for me. My friends know how often I reference my own writings. How do I summarize six years of my life? I won’t pretend to.

Entries 1 – 1500:

Living Without Living At All: A forewarning, a statement that I should not regret anything. And that while I am many things, I will never be a lier.

I’m a good Timmy…: Where I feel shame for admiring females.

I want my penis back!: Where I first state that I miss my foreskin. Sadly, I can’t really trace when or why I came to the state of hating my circumcision.

The Downward Spiral: Of course, this was only the beginning of the downward spiral.

Man Your Battle Stations: Pretty much reflective of how I felt most of the time.

Armpit Shaving Survey: Demonstrating that most people start shaving with the razor in their dominant hand, and shave their opposite armpit. This was long before I realize the stupidity of armpit shaving.

The Freezer Monster: Ah, who would forget Larry the Ebonite Freezer Monster?

Yay for Fat People!: One of many declarations of affection for curves.

My ass be out of shape: A curious entry, in retrospect.

The Water Conspiracy: Something I still believe in.

Dubya: Still funny stuff.

Pussism: My religion dedicated towards the Vagina. If anybody has wondered why I capitalize the V in Vagina, this would be why.

How To Sleep Naked, With a Roommate: Precisely what the title says.

How to Masturbate When You Have a Roommate: Ditto.

Timmy Review of Star Trek Films: I’ll still loosely agree with this.

Female Masturbation Survey: Much rejoicing, and much flaming ensued.

A Hairy Double Standard: It’s true, and you know it.

Home: I’ve been told this is a touching series of entries.

The New War: Where I declare war on the Unipisser.

SuperPenis: I believe this record stands.

Kinky Diary Master Discusses Sheriff Plan: Still a good idea, in a way.

The Legend of BIGGAYDAN: If you have never heard of BIGGAYDAN, oh man, you’re missing something good.

A ‘Brief’ History of Timmy: Which is, of course, a record-setting 14 entries.

The Cursed Intersection: Cliff won’t let me forget about that.

Formerly Mundane Number Deemed Offensive: I’m witty.

The most offensive entry I have ever written.

Sperm Recount Their Pointless Lives: I don’t even remember writing this.

Wangism™: An abortion of an entry.

The Oral Sex Survey: Believe it or not, most people like genitals in their face.

Masculinism: Feminism is the radical notion that females are people, too.

BIGGAYDAN Strikes Back: This could be a movie.

Why I’m Atheist: Not really definitive, as feelings change, but I like the entries. I can’t say my “atheism” is anything I give much contemplation to.

All In The Span of Ten Minutes: You try avoiding a pair of nice breasts directly in front of your face.

The Great Fauxskin Experiment: Outdated, but a good initiative entry regarding my tugging.

Chi-Chi’s Never Tasted So Good: I like that I write down these kinds of evenings with Cliff and Erik. That was back when I was still using codenames for some ungodly reason.

So, Wait A Second…: “It’s just implied. It’s just a feeling I get. I’m smart. I’m supposed to succeed.”

The Urge Has Returned: I get that urge a lot. To think that was BEFORE I had the joy of cunnilingus.

Johnson and Johnson Genital Floss: Oh yes. Absolute classic Timmy.

I always Leave rather Babbly Messages: Referring to myself as a “failure” later on became a sensitivity for myself, as I learned to overcome the self-identification.

My 701st Entry Questionaire: Even Bruce came out of the woodwork to respond.

I am so full of shit: I was on to it, but I didn’t know where to go with it.

My Mouth Gapping Open: The next entry, continuing my downward spiral.

I can’t do work: In a word, apathy.

The Matrix Trilogy, Summarized: As the title says.

I can not remain static: More of me talking to myself.

Maybe I’ve been Durstified, too: This was a way of sorting out my emotions in order to get over myself, believe it or not.

How To Shave Your Genitalia: To think I’ve since learned how to appreciate a good manbush.

Dreams make the fun go happy!: I ran over Dubya in a dream. Ha ha.

My Mom has MS: …

I was me, but now me’s gone: I even stated that sexuality is a distraction.

State of the Penis Address: Where I address dissatisfaction over my wanking.

Let’s Talk About Me: There are a number of series of entries where I rip into myself. But something about this six-part entry had just the right tone. I remember I wrote the first three the first day, and the second three the next day. At the time, it really felt like me trying to accept myself rather than just hating myself.

Raising Our Bondage Level: A seemingly random entry, but we still reference the time we got a girl to lean over and say, “This is the best conversation ever.”

Lower Still: The one time I ask for help, and I end up feeling like a moron.

Hey, you: I totally forgot about that guy who I said hi to, and how we agreed to never take our relationship beyond that level. Seriously.

A Word About Homosexuality: Still has a special place in my heart.

I will burn you like a cornfield in high wind: I’m so glad I wrote about the “Negro Bass.” Thank you, Danny.

On Shaved Punani: To think I’ve gone from openly accepting a lady’s right to her own pubic hair, to outright preferring pubic hair.

Captain Obvious visits El Coyote: After rereading the conversation in the middle of the entry, I have to exclaim: THIS ACTUALLY HAPPENED?!!?!!

I’m Interesting: One of those cute situations that I’m glad I wrote down. My spatial memory is really curious – I remember we were sitting in the right middle of the bus. I wonder how many other people find me interesting but have never introduced themselves.

Reoccuring Elena Feelings: When Cliff spoke to me about “having it again”, I know he was talking about feeling in general. As in, having stronger emotions for girls, as opposed to that specific feeling for that specific girl. I know he did not want me to become jaded, as I fear I have become.

Old Email From Elena: To think there was a time when I was unemotional.

My MSN/Hotmail Vendetta: As the title says.

Walking Stand: Almost poetic.

The Evil Male: In rereading this entry, I was astounded at how angry this entry seemed. I’m proud of the fact that I could finally refer to females in a negative connotation. This negativity was a step forward for me, as opposed to constantly Statueing females. This entry was a step forward also in terms of accepting myself as a male.

Equal Protection Clause: Where I point out that protecting female prepuces while amputating male prepuces is effectively unconstitutional.

Disclaimer: Still a very fitting disclaimer.

Psychological Impact of Circumcision: I have a point, of course.

I Will Triumph: A quiet, solemn declaration that no matter how bad it gets, no matter where it takes me, I will find a way to make itthrough. There’s also latent statements of accepting my flaws, but nothing as direct as my current motto of “the truth will set you free”. Nonetheless, “I Will Triumph” became my battle cry for a long time.

Swan Song: My official 1000th entry, where I went through the previous thousand entries. I considered it a way for myself to take some time off from OD and come back stronger. I did return sometime in June, however all those entries from Paige were destroyed in the hacker attack.

Ballsy: The tone strikes me as surreal and matter-of-fact, almost detached from the events at hand. I know the emotions that I wasn’t writing.

Pride: I ran from one set of problems into another. The communication void was staring me right in the face, and I was nothing but defense mechanisms.

Farewell, old friend: I can read into how I was writing around how I was feeling. I felt a great sadness for having shaved my head, and I just couldn’t bring myself to come out and say it.

FFX: As random and trivial as it seems, Final Fantasy X is something I associate heavily with this dark period.

Bad: The downward spiral gets steeper.

Going Public [f]: I couldn’t hold it in any longer. The Truth. Though, I do regret doing so in such a questionable way.

The Aforementioned Molasses Cookies Recipe: Hey, it’s a good recipe.

My American Thanksgiving: I miss my sister.

Anger’s Target: Where I finally find a way to fight my negative thoughts.

Depressed.: The entry that, believe it or not, signified my rock bottom.

My First Entry [f]: Where I decided to finally start using favorite’s-only entries to protect myself.

Let’s settle this for the last time, I swear: Where I state that I do not have a tiny penis.

Embarassment of the Facade Persona [f]: Having hit rock bottom, I felt, well, embarassed for how I used to be.

Choice: Where I state that abortion should be a joint decision.

Go me: Very typical Panera-talk.

I’ll sleep good tonight: The day I met Melissa.

Engulfed in Hot Wetness: A sensory entry.

The Power of No: I can feel myself beaming in this entry.

I’ve been better: What I didn’t write was how vulnerable I felt in merely writing these emotions down. This entry was initially [f].

Respect Earned: It meant a lot to me to get that kind of validation.

Reunion: One of the last times Cliff, Erik, Dan and I socialized prior to Dan dating Liz.

Fernando: The day Dan introduced us to Liz.

With No Guilt: On how I touched Melissa’s bum.

They’ll never know the secrets I hold: Mike telling me about how he used to be really struck a cord with me.

The way a weekend should be: What I said to Liz on this day is really funny in retrospect.

Goddamn: Ranks as best kiss ever.

Disco Lives!: Day I met Marissa was very notable.

About Tres De Julio: The 4th of July when I became the drunken master at melee.

What a Bitch: After being fired from Panera.

Occupying my time: The process of going back to school.

Change Is In The Air: Among other things, the first time I smoked pot.

A high you wouldn’t believe… [f]: …

Timmy Manifesto II: Where I declare that I need not be the sum of the events of my life so far.

My First Day of School: First day at county.

North Forty Pictorial: 63 pictures dedicated to the place I cherish the most: Grandma’s.

I Love You: An expression of affection, and 21 pictures.

Emotional Maturity: A random tidbit.

I’m definitely indefinite: Struggling.

<ahref=”http://www.opendiary.com/entryview.asp?authorcode=C104458&entry=20398&mode=date”>Excuses, Excuses: I don’t even remember writing this.

I feel bleached!: Where I realize I’m surrounded by white people.

Moment of Anticipation: I like this poem.

Return Fire: A scathing entry where I do, indeed, return fire.

Onward into the day!: Regarding the first day at the gym of the new era. I went to prove myself wrong. And I have. Which lead to…

Timmy Manifesto III: Where I declare that it’s okay to have emotions.

White Castle To The Rescue: A now classic pictorial dedicated to White Castle.

How To Be A Demon In The Sac: It’s rather simple, actually.

Running Around With A Flashlight: DOOM3 screenshots.

That’s one high-rez flashlight!: More DOOM3 screenshots.