Jesus H. Christ to Run For President in 2004.

(HEAVEN) Last week, surprising atheists around the world, famed martyr Jesus H. Christ was resurrected. Jesus was quick to announce his reason for being on our mortal coil: Being elected President of the United States of America.

Jesus was first cited in Montrael, prompting speculation that war would break out over control of the newly-dubbed holy city. To a sea of onlookers that quickly gathers, Jesus announced that he was a citizen of every nation, and would run from President of the United States in 2004. Initially, he announced that he would be running as a Democrat, prompting many swing voters to register for the formerly known “Party of Blowjobs.”

Jesus’s life as a Democrat came to an end yesterday when he announced he was going to form his own political party. At a press conference yesterday, Jesus explained, “I’m the god damned – I mean blessed – son of god. I should have my own party. I’m thinking of calling it the Jesus Party. The party of people who like, well… me!” Jesus went on to say, “Democrats are like Republicans, except with less money.”

There has been a media frenzy around Jesus’s bid for the Presidency. Supporters have been hanging on Jesus’s every “Word”. Critics and pundits think he is unproven and unfit to be President.

Bill Maher even speculated that the man was a faker. “This man has done nothing to prove his claim that he is the son of god, other than stir up some media attention. If he really is Jesus, I want to see some proof.” To prove his Jesus-hood, Jesus performed his classic “walking on water” miracle. Critics were quick to point out that the water was at it’s maximum density. In other words, the water was frozen. To this, Jesus said, “Fine, I’ll give you a real miracle.” Bob Dole shouted, “JESUS CHRIST I HAVE A BONER!!! And I haven’t even taken Viagra!” There has been no more debate over Jesus’s Jesushood.

Critics have questioned Jesus about just about everything.

Some claim Jesus violates the separation of church and state, that Jesus can not be President, simply because he is Jesus. Jesus responded to that, “Most politicians are White Christian Males. Nobody points out where they get their morals. As the presidential oath says, I will respect the constitution, and otherwise do as Dad says.”

Jesus on whether he would create a Christian nation: “You dumbass, I’m a Jew. Some losers started worshipping me YEARS after I died. Anyway, the American government will stay secular. If the American government’s morals and Dad’s morals have something in common, then so be it.”

On abortion: “Dad never really said anything about that. I think it’s a state decision.”

On whether he can relate to the average American after 2000 years of being.. not alive: “I am half-god. If I wanted to, I could read your mind. Actually, me being elected doesn’t have much with relating to the average citizen. It’s about me doing what Dad wants.”

On gun control: “Second Amendment says we have right to arms. Certainly this means a simple handgun. Should the average citizen possess nuclear weapons? Certainly not. Where do we draw the line? I’m just the son of god, I don’t have all the answer.”

On Catholic priests who molest little boys: “There’s a lot of sick people using Dad’s name in vain. You can’t hide from Dad. He knows.”

On whether he would use his status as “son of God” to help himself get elected: “Isn’t that what our current president did? At least I actually did something with my life.”

On the meaning of life: “Dad’s never enlightened me about that.”

On national debt: “If elected, there will be a miracle, and the national debt will disappear. Who can possibly promise that?”

On the Middle East: “Peace in the Middle East? I can perform simple miracles, but I can’t do THAT.”

On HOTGAYSEX: “Dad likes sex, whether it’s with the same or opposite sex. Just be clean about it and don’t go sleeping around. Go! Be happy! Have lots of HOTGAYSEX!”

On hockey: “Dad really likes the Devils because they play as a team. Oh, and he thinks Brodeur is one of his cuter creations. Though he is disappointed at his adultery.”

On Universal Health Care: “I guess I could take care of that myself. This miracle stuff is really handy.”

On tax cuts: “It’s a flawed philosophy. You need money to run the country. If cutting taxes is universally good, why even have taxes at all? First thing I do when I get in office is cut funding to a lot of unnecessary stuff. Like the military, and Homeland Security. We’ll look over the books, and then see where taxes need to be.”

On his birth: “I’m a bastard, get over it. You’d think somebody would use me as an inspiration for bastards everywhere.”

On what his favorite food is: “Personally, I like fresh cooked babies – HA, GOTCHA!”

On Open Diary: “‘Bang Bang’ Bruce went into Gay Porn. I thought everybody knew that?”

John Ashcroft was quick to point out Jesus’s lack of citizenship. “He wasn’t born in the US. He has no proof that he’s over 35. He doesn’t have any form of identification on him, whatsoever. A week ago, this man did not exist anywhere on the planet Earth. Now he’s here, in America. He is an illegal alien. He is a terrorist, and should be deported, if not crusified. This man has no right to run for President in our fair nation. If he runs, we will fix – I mean, do our best to see he is not elected. All your freedom are belong to us.”

Jesus’s response was simply: “He lost to a dead man, what does he know? Silly mortal. Just wait until Bush loses to a formerly dead man: Me.”

Jesus is expected to crush incumbant George W. Bush in the upcoming election. In a poll asking people who they thought was more a man of god, 100% believe Jesus is more a man of god than Bush. Jesus responded, “Well gee, he’s my dad. That’s like asking if I’m a man of Bush.” Asked who will win the Holy War on Terrorism, 100% believe Jesus will win the War on Terrorism. Asked who has a bigger penis, a surprising 60% believe Bush has a bigger penis than Jesus. Furthermore, 90% believe Bush’s War on Iraq increased his penis size. Still, soccer moms agree, “Size doesn’t matter, it’s how you use it. And we trust Jesus will work miracles with his tiny penis. Literally.”

Many expect Jesus to bring together Christians together under a single banner of Jesusism, eventually eliminating the old two-party system of Democrats and Republicans, and introducing a new one-party system of Jesus (with everybody who opposes Jesus being classified as ‘second-party’). Pat Robertson exclaimed, “Jesus H. Christ, he’s Jesus H. Christ! How can he lose? Bush is a fool if he opposes Jesus. To oppose Jesus is to oppose God himself and spend eternity burning in hell while evil slimy demons poke you with their pointy sticks. I’m not going to hell. I encourage everybody to put down everything they’re doing, and go worship Jesus, NOW.”

Jesus’s campaign manager, Chris Rock, did suggest the slogan “Vote Jesus. Or GOTO hell.” But, that wasn’t the vibe Jesus was looking for. Jesus has suggested, “Miracles can happen. Vote Jesus.”, but Rock thinks that will make Jesus look too soft.

It has been suggested that there is a lot of pressure on Jesus to win, simply because of his association with his father. “You don’t know pressure. Dad’s the creator of the universe! He said that if I lose the election, he might not resurrect me.