Institutionalize Me.

Status Report

Wearing: Shredder shirt. Green boxers of some sort, black jeans, tuggy, white socks, slippers.

Stereo is Playing: Habit – Pearl Jam

Last ate: Dining Hall Mexican.

Last round of masturbation: Last night.

Entry Start Time: 10:48 PM

Based on Esther’s “Senses”.

I spent most of the day beating myself because I couldn’t make myself GOTO the library. Well, I did make it to the library tonight. Only to realize, “Oh. I forgot that the book means nothing to me.” Glanced over everything. Noted that I only needed to write down two formulas. *laughs* Learn? I don’t need to learn. You just need to know how to bullshit. Meaning is irrelevant. Can you answer the questions, that is all that is required.

So I was walking to the library. And. I came to a conclusion. Without any build-up, I’ll just say that I’ve been institutionalized. We always did call High School a prison. *laughs* Alas, I’ve actually given this some serious thought. You know, in place of academic things. I was talking to The Underwear Girl and we were discussing High School-related things. More specifically, how… Well. See, to me, it’s so bizarre, I’m not even sure how to put it. …Her High School isn’t one building? Yeah. Something like that. You go through your K-12 with there always being individual buildings for each grades. Outside? What’s that? The concept of having classes in different buildings is just utterly bizarre to me. I’m not saying it’s a bad thing. Okay, so everybody just shows up in a room at an arbitrary time? That’s how college seemed/seems to me. It makes no sense.

To clarify, my High School was one building. I always thought of the actual “school” being THAT building.

I think I need structure. I rarely missed school, mostly because I didn’t get sick all that often. I’d swear I didn’t miss a day of my freshman and sophomore years. Or I got awfully close to that. And really, why should I miss school? What would be the point? School was not for learning things. School was for social contact. I remember when I’d randomly miss a week, and not even miss a beat in class. Always amused me how slow everything went. And now. I miss class without that huge of a conscious-thrashing. My conscious mostly gets me simply BECAUSE I don’t seem to care. “Care, damn you!” I can’t say classes have done anything for my social life. If anything, they’ve given me a negative social life because there are now people I have to avoid? *laughs*

It’s no wonder I feel so detached. In High School, I was, more or less, always in class. Think what I will of my classmates, if I was absent, somebody noticed. I’m invisible here. Partly my doing, but like anybody can stand out in a lecture. “Oh, look that guy I’ve never met and I’ve never talked to isn’t here!” Yeah. Right. I don’t feel a part of my classes. I just attend them. A room full of strangers. Taught by somebody I’ve never met. Twice a week. Great.

I wouldn’t even venture a guess what kind of “structure” I would need. Or even if this theory is correct. If I knew how to fix myself, I would have done it a long time ago. Maybe without said structure, my true nature is coming forth. A lazy bum. But, I already knew that. I miss the days when being able to follow along in class meant a good grade. Now the things on the test are shit in the book you never outright discussed. Quaint. Well, not always. Maybe this is why I should do my homework. If I did my homework, I’d be better off. All the time in the world, and I can never seem to find the time to do homework.

Maybe I need a platonic blowjob. …Naaaahh. I have so little desire for the act, anyway.

What do I do? How do I make myself do my homework? How do I make myself GOTO all my classes? How can I make myself get over myself and be able to talk to professors about my trivialized but now seemingly serious problems? How does one declare a major in the first place, I’ve looked it up online and it looks terribly complicated. If only I could do it without human interaction. I’m thinking i shouldn’t declare. Because there’s a chance I might fail all three of my CS classes. *laughs then sighs* How does one get a job? I ask this over and over again. It seems so terribly easy when I actually do it. But, I suppose the question is more, how does one find a job? Where would I go? What would I do? I feel like nobody can tell me what I need to do. And nobody ever will. I’m floating. Coasting. As if I’m just waiting for there to actually be some consequences to my failure. After you fail a class and realize that nothing happens, that fear of failure just… goes away. “Oh. Nothing’s happened.”

*sighs*

I’ve decided to phase out Naked Friday. It was mostly Hairbrush’s idea, if I remember correctly, regardless of whatever credit I may wish to claim. In it’s place, I wish to declare… BIGGAYFRIDAY. No, I’m not kidding. I never do anything academic on Fridays. And I have this BIGGAYITCH which I need to BIGGAYSCRATCH. Mmmm. BIGGAYWRITING. *creams his BIGGAYBOXERS*

Uhh. Yeah. Don’t hold me to it, we’ll see what happens. Hopefully, it’ll be some BIGGAYFUN for all. Who knows, maybe BIGGAYSTORIES are a part of my Tao.