I mean well.

So I thought we’d be going for a jog this morning. We cuddled, because I wanted to get some cuddles in. We had some coitus because I had an erection. And because it’s almost like a warm-up. I pried her out of bed, not because I wanted to get up and go. But because I wanted to make sure we wouldn’t be late for her class. I like getting up and going SO I can take my time, rather than be lazy and end up rushing later. So to speak.

It was raining, and she indicated she didn’t want to go out. I thought, “Hrm. It is raining. But if we do this, we’ll feel better afterwards!” That’s how I feel when there’s something I want to do but there’s a minor inconvenience involved. Like, if I’m feeling tired and don’t want to go to the gym, but go anyway, I feel great. Or when I went jogging when it was ugly out. My glasses got covered in water. But it felt good when I finished. Jogging itself is kind of an uncomfortable activity.

I didn’t even want to do that much. Last time, I let her go at her own pace, and she pushed herself a little too far. So I thought, “Okay, do intervals that are less than what she did last time.” Makes sense. Go out for a little bit, do a little bit, turn around, do a little more, and before you know it we’ll be done.

Meh. I meant well.

We were brisk walking for a warm-up when it started POURING. Cue her mood dropping. She hates the rain. I think to myself, “Okay, she hates the rain. Be empathic. How do you feel about the rain? I dislike the rain, too! Try to relate this.”

So I said that I hate the rain, too, and that I’m hate being outside, too. But that we’re already outside and we can just do it and get it over with. Something like that.

I was all ready to do little intervals with her, but she REFUSED. I couldn’t understand. It seemed almost childish. I can remember times when I’ve done that as a teen. Just, being difficult. I pointed out that we were already wet.

Then she just STOPPED. I was so utterly confused. If you hate the rain, why stop? We’re getting soaked either way, why not just go with it?

I joked I’d race her home. She didn’t laugh.

I’ve been told you can’t get a girlfriend into fitness. She has to already be into it. I think I knew that, I just generally don’t listen to those kinds of things. I only wanted to go jogging with her because she initially expressed an interest.

Tossed in my hoodie (which she gave me) in the dryer. I sat downstairs and meditated while she took a shower. I replayed the events in my head. I dislike the rain, too. I shared discomfort. Where did I go wrong?

I reminded myself that there’s sometimes no right answer, no right course of action. I placed myself in the mindset of being stubborn and uncomfortable. I’ve been quite capable of feeling, “No, I don’t want to.” And if I’m in a mood that’s exacerbated by the rain, it doesn’t matter what someone else says. If the person I’m with says “It’s just rain, why does it matter”, that’ll piss me off. And if that person said, “I dislike the rain, too, but let’s do stuff anyway!” I would be just as annoyed.

Which therein lead me to my solution. Of course there’s a solution, I’m logical! By focusing on the rain, I ignored the fact that she was, indeed, uncomfortable. So while the rain is the cause, the rain is actually irrelevant. She indicated she wasn’t in the mood, and I should have listened to her.

I guess I just know I sometimes need a good kick in the ass. I need someone to push me out of my comfort zone. I was just trying to do the same for her. That’s all. In later talking about this, she reminded me that she doesn’t like being pushed. I only wanted to go jogging because she initially expressed interest. I supposed in the future, I’ll make sure she initiates.

In thinking about self-application, I realize that I’m always looking to explain myself. As if I need a preworded answer for why I’m feeling a certain way. People like cause and effect. If someone says they feel like crap, usually people ask why. Typically by the time you feel like crap, the reason doesn’t matter that much. Sometimes.

So, if I do or don’t want to do something, I don’t need to explain myself. Sure, it’s useful to know why. But if I say no, or anybody else says no, that no should be respected. Something like that.

As I said last night, the problem with a lot of life philosophies is that they restrict your activities to the point where you end up doing nothing. Like those people that believe you should never kill anything, including ants. Life philosophies should protect you, not make you worried about killing the bacteria inside your mouth. That’s retarded.

Of course, postulating the purpose of a life philosophy is probably a good dissertation topic. I’ll be sure to mention this to Cliff, given his major.

Candi wants to sleep over my house tonight. I don’t like being at my house. I want to sleep over her house. She doesn’t like being home. I joked we should switch houses. Who DOES like being at their own house?

I’m sleepy. I’ll dawdle before she gets back from class.