I Love You.

I’m so filled with love right now. I was reflecting how my support system got me through those dark periods. It made me cry. A good cry. A fantastic cry. It was brief but powerful. I want to cry like that more often.

I used to think I had no friends. I didn’t appreciate the ones that were right in front of me (like Carolyn and Cliff). But it’s very clear via the power of the internet that I’ve met many people that may have saved my life. I don’t mean in a Oh God Suicide. I could not have made it through I did if I didn’t have a little bit of love, a little bit of support, a little bit of advice, a little bit of something from people.

I love you. Every last one of you. (Okay, nevermind the exceptions, this is a positive entry!) If you ever ehugged me, I appreciate it. If you ever told me to feel better, I appreciate it. If you ever gave me advice, I appreciate it. (Even if I wasn’t receptive to it at the time. I understand now; I couldn’t have understood.) If you ever told me you believed me, I sincerely thank you. If you ever told me you loved me, I haven’t entirely forgotten, despite how odd my memory is.

I don’t need to name names.

People come. People go. I can’t help but think of Gatty and how I never felt adequate in responding to his wit. Yet as people go of their own volition, more people find me. A veritable family. So many of you have touched my life in ways you can’t fathom. Or maybe you do, as I suppose I’ve also touched your life. How many of us have been out in the so-called RealWorld™ and was reminded of something we read here? Or was said to us in IM from a so-called InternetFriend™?

But, the love. The need to help others. When I think I can help someone, I can. I know I’m not that frequent with phone calls, but it crosses my mind a lot. But if I see a friend needs love, I’ll do something about it. A phone call. A simple ehug. A letter. A joke to lighten the mood. I can’t do everything. I can’t fix everything. I don’t need to. But if I can, I will, I like to think.

I was going to dedicate an entire entry to this thought, but I might as well say it now: What’s stopping you? Love is free! It’s so cliche` to say you never know when you’ll see that person again. That’s not my point for this paragraph. Just. If you care about someone, show it! I feel so much happier when I get it out of my system and just show someone how much I care about him or her.

The words don’t need to be perfect. It doesn’t matter. Somehow the words don’t match up with the emotion that it invokes in someone, to know that they’re loved. A machine could never express it; maybe I’ve just grown trusting that my wording will be right enough to get it across.

I’m so much stronger now. My down moods don’t last nearly as long as they used to. I remember all the support I have. I remember the love. THE LOVE! Love, and suddenly I calm down. Love reminds me to be confident in the good things about me. Love reminds me to throw a brick at my demons. Love reminds me that I’m not alone. I’m not alone. I don’t think I ever was, through all of this.

I love you. Smile, don’t hold anything back.

(Speaking of not holding back, I think I’ll add some pictures of me from this morning.)

(I killed the flash aaaaaand set it to macro. So, there you go.)

(Width of 700 pixels so Danderfluff doesn’t have a heart attack on her ancient monitor.)

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I think I’ll try to sleep now. Tomorrow’s a brand new daywaiting for me. :: love ::