I am not a failure.

I am so fucking frustrating. It’s like a fucking anxiety attack due to having an anxiety attack. Arg. Ugh. Uph.

I had the book on my lap. I managed to get myself to open it.

Turn the page.

I couldn’t.

Turn the page.

I couldn’t.

Turn the page.

I couldn’t.

Turn the page.

I couldn’t.

I noticed my pulse had quickened. Over a fucking book. Who acts so stupid? And thus I further my emotional masochism.

Turn the page.

I checked my notes where I had what page the homework was on. I managed to get myself to turn the page closer. I examined the page, talking about dot products.

I can’t do this.

What. The. Fuck. I am so fucking sick of this. So. Fucking. Sick. Of. This. And no, it’s not as simple as fucking snapping out of it. If it were, I would have snapped out of it years ago.

Why do I have no confidence in myself? I mean, seriously, there’s no need for this.

Yet, there I was, terrified of starting my homework. I couldn’t turn the page. I threw the book away from me, threw my glasses off, and rubbed my face.

Fucking mountain out of a molehill.

I just can’t win. I try thinking about parsing everything I need to do into small neat little blocks. Then I can’t even do those little things. I can’t start. I’m terrified. I used to say to the world how I didn’t care about school. But that’s because I care more than you. If I don’t do my homework, well shit, I might as well kill myself. Life’s over.

What the fuck.

I lose focus over why I’m doing this shit so easily. WHY AM I TAKING THIS CLASS. Ugh. Yet I don’t really care about any of my other classes. I could so easily just not go. But isn’t this my last chance? OH GOD, LAST CHANCE! CAN’T FUCK UP! GAME OVER, MAN!

What the fuck. I don’t need this.

This has nothing to do with anybody else. This is not failing Alex by not improving. This is not disappointing my parents. This is not a lack of love. Whatever it is, it’s in me, and it won’t go away.

Aren’t you supposed to feel some sense of accomplishment after you do something? That’s what I’ve been told.

It’s very rare that I feel good about anything I do.

What the fuck.

It’s no wonder I have no desire to do that homework. There’s nothing to gain.

What the fuck.

I hate this cycle of having to drag myself down into the mud over and over again. Fucking inner critic. Fuck. I drag myself lower and lower. Sometimes I think I’m fed up and I’ll go do stuff. But then I realize I need to be even lower still.

Why can’t it be like other things? I don’t give a second thought to checking my email, or resizing 200 images in photoshop. Why can’t I just fucking do it and be done with it?

What the fuck.

***

If I can’t rely on my ability to believe in myself, then .. I’ll have to rely on the only thing I am sure of. That other people believe in me.

***

I called Alex and started leaving a message. In the middle, I heard that beep that means you’re getting a call. Could it be for me? I switched over. …I swear, sometimes my friends just have intuition. I talked to Ashley for a bit – then heard the beep again. Could it be? It was Alex – I told her I was covered and went back to Ashley. I figured I’d give her fair time some other time. Ashley was really saying some good things to me, but I knew I’d fail to remember most of it. All I remember is the phrase Be the ninja. …*laughs* Sounds like a Cliffism.

Oh. Something that really hit me was how I never notice all the little good things I do. I take everything I do for granted. Like I was running a ton of pictures through photoshop. I decided it would take less time if I bothered to use the keyboard commands. So I did. And it did save me type as I got the hang of hitting alt-i-i-1280-enter-ctrl-w-enter-enter-repeat. *smiles* Why do I overlooked that? Why do I downplay so many things I’m good at? So many things I DO do?

I ate.

Put on some Led Zeppelin. Nearly cried to Stairway to Heaven. Not just any version. It’s the live version on How The West Was Won.

I ended up going back to my Calc book and doing two problems. And by “doing”, I mean looking them over, writing a few things down, and more or less deciding how I would do the problem, without writing out the complete answer. This is my method of doing half the homework at a time, so I don’t stress myself out. Unfortunately, the third problem I hadn’t a clue how to do, so I literally threw the book away from it.

“Skip it.” Always a good strategy. I’d been wanting to call Alex back, so I did. I did so with a tinge of nervousness. I chuckled to myself, I’m asking for help. How would I explain what was wrong, I thought. Thankfully, I have a bit more trust in Alex than that. She’ll know.

It was the voice I needed. Maybe it’s just not your day, give yourself the day off. Sometimes that occurs to me. Yet it didn’t, today. It felt so all-or-none. I hate that feeling.

You’re not a failure.

It’s so comforting to have her reach into my mind and know exactly what’s going on. I need to make her a friggin medal. *laughs* I guess I wonder where people get the strength, sometimes. The willpower. I know why. I don’t see my own when I use it.

I’m glad you called me.

She mentioned the phrase self-affirmation. There’s been so much text sent between us, I’m sure she’s mentioned it at some point. I just don’t quite remember what you’re supposed to do. So I’ll improvise. Once a day, I’ll write something I’m good at, or like about something. Not nearly as high and mighty as the Self-worth list, which still has one thing on it.

You’re going to be okay.

She suggested making a list of things to do. I told her if I do that, I end up not starting the list, and doing something completely different. *laughs*

I need to review some of the things we talked about last December. I thought I was getting better at separating which thoughts are mine, and which ones aren’t. I did it then, and I’m sure I can do it now.

I owe Carolyn an apology for running out on her. She was making me feel bad, so I signed off. Thing is. She was telling me I could do it. She was telling me I could do anything I want.

I took a walk around the pond across the way. I stopped to stare at the moon, bright and UV-free. I am a bit stir-crazy in here. It’s like the dorm all over again. A hermit. Tomorrow’s a new day, as it always is. Tomorrow’s a new day.