I Always Leave Rather Babbly Messages.

Status Report

Wearing: Same shit I’ve been wearing – oh, I’m wearing my heavier shoes. Retired my Vans for the winter. They’ll be back, I tell you, for yet ANOTHER year. *smiles*

Stereo is Playing: Molly’s Lips – Nirvana

Last ate: Frosted Mini Wheats in milk. Yummy.

Last round of masturbation: Last night.

Entry Start Time: 4:21 PM

Based on Esther’s “Senses”.

I had a dream last night, among many, that she called me. Or was it that I called her? With that in mind, I was somehow less nervous when I called her. Alas, answering machine. I left a short, but babbly message. Busy busy girl, she is. Funny how, in my dream, her voice was.. actually her voice? Like, my brain, if it wanted, to, could make her say things she’s never actually said to me before. As if it can generalize someone’s speech pattern and extrapolate how that person will say any given phrase.

But, whatever.

I think about what I’ll write here a lot. I also find myself thinking what I’ll say to The Minor. And then, naturally, her reaction. But, nevermind what my brain things her reactions would be. I remember saying to myself last night that I felt detached from college. Just, in general. We all want to be “a part” of something, right? Perhaps it’s my own undoing. I tend to be an anti-involvement person. Clubs? Nein. And when I go into an interview and get asked what I did in college, I’ll respond, “Jack shit. What, I was supposed to do things and not enjoy myself?” This is me enjoying myself. Or so I tell myself. I wouldn’t hire myself. I suck.

I say to myself, “I am a failure.” Of course, I don’t bother really thinking about why, as the statement in itself is rather preposterous. If I think I am a failure, then I will act like one. Maybe that explains my nature. Psychobabble is such rhetoric.

Nor can I simply convince myself that “I’m a winner!” If that ever happens, I’ll either actually be a success, or be so full of shit that I’ll be like one of those homeless guys claiming to be Jesus. There’s things we know, and things we believe. Amazing how they don’t always overlap. Oh, I know I’m not a failure. (At least, not yet.) Belief? Changing one’s beliefs generally takes something other than sheer logic. After all, there are plenty of beliefs people have which are simply not logical.

I’d say I’m awake. Woo hoo. Whenever I say “I’m tired”, I always try to gauge whether I mean it physically, mentally, or some other way. It’s almost as if consciousness is independent from coherent mental capacity. Plenty of times I’ll be dead tired, yet MY BRAIN WON’T SHUT UP. I have that feeling where I know that if I had slept just a little bit longer, I would have slept too much. Which is a curse.

I glanced at a practice exam for my Programming Languages class. I have this sneaking suspicious there won’t be much actual studying for me to do. Sex, on the other hand. Well. Concepts are easy. Memorizing what other people thought, that’s why majoring in Philosophy seems counterproductive.

Time. We have all the time in the world, yet I don’t seem to be able to have enough of it. I never have enough time to sleep. I never “find” the time to study. I should never have seen Office Space. “I’d do nothing. I’d sit on my lazy ass and do nothing.” Of course, if I were to actually DO nothing, I wouldn’t be happy. Nothingness is only relaxing in relation to the something which is just outside the realm of nothingness. I’ve said this before, though not quite in those words.

It’s fall here in Jersey. Last weekend would have been a perfect time to just go driving and enjoy the scenery. Absolutely beautiful. For the last time, don’t judge New Jersey by the smokestacks in Newark. That’s like judging California by the smog in Los Angeles.

I love my nails. I find it theraputic to paint my nails. Probably the only reason I never do it in the dorm is because my fingers are always typing away. Fear of smudging. I was meant to be a girl, I tell you.

I missed lunch. I was hoping I’d wake up before lunch ended so.. I could have three meals? Three small meals, granted, but three meals. I need to stop eating Mexican so often. The dining hall Mexican is good, granted. But. It’s dining hall Mexican. If I ate the pizza often enough, the same effect would occur. I’m thinking I should indulge in cereal. I still have an odd craving for it. They should make Turkey Pot Pie more often. I haven’t seen it yet this year. At least, when I go for lunch. I don’t know why, but it’s fucking good.

Fall. I love the smell of fall. It reminds me of falls past. Now and then, I check the date and remember. It’s just that time of year for me. Amusing, my wallet is almost four years old. I remember the exact day I bought it, simply because I remember most things from four years ago rather clearly. Now, if only I could remember last week so clearly. I don’t write in my journal nearly the way I used to. Ha ha. If I wrote on OD the way I used to write in my journal, I’d never stop writing. I write enough as it is. As if I need to add summarizations of my days to the heap of text. I like summarizing the day-to-day things simply so I COULD remember those mundane details. Though. A lot less happens. The only things that happen are in my mind. I miss High School.

It’s getting colder. I like bundling up. Soon I’ll switch my Fedora for my thug hat. Or so I call. Not much of a thug hat when it has a little fuzzy on top. It’s cute. I’ve actually gotten asked where I got it. Honestly? I have no idea. It was in the bin of random winter stuff in my old house. Then, I decided to take it and use it. *shrugs* Guess they don’t make clothes like they used to.

I still dream about being in my old house. As if I still live there. And then I wake up, and remember. I don’t think I’ve had a single dream about being in the condo. I’ve had maybe ONE dream where I’m in this room. College, in general? Nope, just doesn’t seem to happen. Even that dream I had last night about The Minor, I don’t think there was a visual component to it. If there was, it was simply me seeing her. *shrugs*

Well, I’ve got my shoes on. Better get my jews on. Food and jews, that is. Plenty of time to study this evening. Just a matter of me bothering to utilize said time.