Hold my hand and guide me.

Status Report

Wearing: Ozzy shirt. You know, he made music back in the day. Blue boxers, black jeans, white socks, Tuggy.

WinAmp is Playing: Stairway to Heaven – Led Zeppelin

Last ate: Pork ribs

Last round of masturbation: Last night.

Entry Start Time: 9:44 PM

Based on Esther’s “Senses”.

And as if nothing happened, a quiet calm has come over me. I take a moment to pause and reflect upon the past 48 hours or so. I knew it was just a matter of time before I’d snap out of it. What caused it? What ended it? Maybe I was just slightly out of sync with reality and I needed to hear some strangers talking about how cell phones don’t just RING anymore, they have those annoying jingles. Maybe I needed to make it through the day. Just survive.

I register tonight. Not sure whether I’ll sleep tonight. I might just crawl into bed if I get tired, and set my alarm for 6:20. Webreg is available starting at 6:30 AM. I am actually better off getting off to sleep, and paining myself by getting up. I already went through the current schedule of classes and got the five digit index numbers. I probably won’t post any schedule until next semester, if at all. Nobody pays attention. I know that if somebody posted their schedule in their diary, I should as hell wouldn’t remember what classes they were taking. Want to stalk me? Come get my schedule, I’m quite open.

I finished that letter to Poptart. I smile. Three pages. Probably not much if I had typed it, but I HAD to put it in letter form. I like getting letters. Something you can read over and over again and soak it in like the first time. Something to put in a box and come back to long after that person is gone, and simply remember. I’m a sentimental sap like that, and I’d like to think people I’ve let into my lives can’t forget me. And as much as I said, I feel like I still couldn’t capture what I was trying to say. That’s okay. She’ll understand, I think. I don’t need to say everything I’m not saying. She can read between the lines, things which I meant to say but tangented.

I do tangent a lot.

In a strange way, I feel like I’m at the end of my life. I ask myself, “Now what?” They prepare us, oh they prepare us for “The World”. And now what? Prepare my ass. I’m scared of what will happen after I graduate. If I graduate. (I’d like to think my sheer intellect will carry me, as always.) At least after High School I knew I’d be going to “college”. I don’t want to be here, nor do I really seem to want to be anywhere. Living in the dorm would be great if I didn’t have to GOTO class. Well, that’s not the whole truth. I enjoy my time simply because time spent avoiding doing things is so much fun. When I’m “home”, I love being social. I was quite surprised how often Kivudet and I saw each other. But, I enjoyed it! It felt natural. I couldn’t have it any other way.

I’m never going home again, am I?

Memorize facts. As much as I complain about being unable to learn certain things, in a strange way, I don’t feel challenged. For some reason, I always thought college was ideas, at least in the very basic sense. Sure, not every class is going to discuss The Meaning of Life (42), but, far too often I feel like we’re just machines meant to gather data and then report back what we’ve processed. Anybody can learn facts. Want to see how smart I am? Talk to me. But, nobody does. That’s not how it works. And, of course, it is up to me to seek out professors and guidance.

But wait, I’m the one that needs to be guided. How is this supposed to work, again?

More people in the dining hall recognize me. It’s kinda nice. I remember my first year, I’d get so nervous before getting up and changing the channel. (To put the Simpsons on.) Now, I’ll get up just to turn up the volume. I’m comfortable. That’s MY dining hall. I eat at Brower (on College Ave) on Wednesdays for lunch. It’s.. It’s not Tillett! It’s not my dining hall! *chuckles* Busch Dining Hall is overrated – and there’s always huge lines! Fuck lines, I don’t believe in lines. I’ve never been to Cooper or Neilson on Cook/Douglass.

Douglass is the largest women’s college in the nation, did you know? *chuckles* I still don’t know if the rumors of overt lesbian activity are true.

Calm. I like being calm. I also need to brush my teeth tonight. I feel disgusting when I don’t do that.