Hey, you.

There’s this one guy I run into in the dining hall a lot. We always go, “Hey, youuuuu!” We do not really know how we met. We do not know each other’s names. In fact, we’ve agreed not to let our relationship progress any further than this. He’s that guy I see around. And to him, I’m just that guy he sees around.

Has to be one of the best relationships I have on campus.

****

Whenever people see me in the dining hall, I’m never sure of what to do. That girl who I gave a seat to many weeks ago waves to me. “Should I join you, or should I be anti-social?” I forget specifically what I said out loud. She invited. I accepted.

I’m still terrified of approaching people. Every Monday and Wednesday, I see them at the bus stop by the Grease Trucks. Yeah.

I finally told the tall girl with pink hair that I LOVE HER HAIR. *nodnod* Sophia. Easy name to remember. I hate trying to remember names. I don’t want to have my dad’s luck with remembering names. He still can’t remember my friends’ names.

The girl I gave I seat to remembered my name. Which is funny, because I don’t remember ever giving her my name. I think her name is Janice. Think. Aw hell, what does it matter, they’re just random people. She’s chatty, which works well with me. I’m not that talkative of a person, at least in this kind of environment. I rely heavily on just saying whatever comes to mind, honestly. Babbly, at times. I said to her how I’m either really quiet, or kind of loud, then retracted the statement, saying how it’s one of those things you say just because it sounds right. “Verbal tautology.” *smiles*

I don’t blame anybody but myself for my social ineptness. I suck. *twirls finger*

*yawns*

I had such a hard time waking up this morning.

I think I have an idea of what I’m going to put in this essay. I’m just always afraid it’ll be words on paper, disconnected ideas without any grand point. “This is this, that is that, and there’s no point to this whatsoever.” *shrugs* I know I’ll find one when I sit down and start writing. I’m just afraid. I’m always afraid. Fear of failure is simulteneously simple and horridly complex in how it afflicts me.

I wish I knew how Carolyn manages her notecard method. I .. can’t really write essays that way? I suppose I could, it just seems so hard. Well, hard to write all those notecards. And then putting them together. After that, the essay writes itself? Well, that’s her.

This habit of doing essays in one shot is just too stressful. There has to be an easier way. A way to break it into pieces, without the essay losing it’s fluidity. I cite fluidity too often.

****

I wonder how people get into porn. I couldn’t do anything with sex. But. I could do femdom. Pay me to have my balls whipped and have my face sat on? Cool! I could go gay porn. Definitely. I could get assraped without too many emotional issues. ..Wait, did I just say that?

****

It’ll be nice going home next week. Cliff’s still internetless. I miss him. I want to spend an evening in Danny’s room. Raise our bondage level. I want to discuss some things with him. I dare say it’s better to talk about personal things in person, because then I can read his tone of voice. Online, it comes off dryer and more aggressive. And accusatory. Sometimes I want to say, “Thanks for pointing out how weak I am. what exactly do you want from me?” I want to explore my dualistic nature of control. I won’t even bother explaining it, I don’t quite understand it, myself.

****

I must not overwhelm myself. I used to love writing essays. Now it seems like a five page mountain. Yeah. Sometimes best not to think about the end result. If I don’t start something tonight, I’ll be disappointed in myself. Though, that doesn’t seem to mean much anymore. I’m always disappointed in myself, in some regard.

sounded like that was a nice little vent

i guess vented isn’t the right word … just can’t think of a better one i’m dog tired

i agree its your diary your thoughts … f*ck everyone else

Hi.. Im Rie, Just stumbled upon your diary from seeing it under the “recent entries” place on the front page of OD. You sound like a very intresting character. I have a couple questions for you, Whats your sexuality?, Why are you afriad of social settings do you think? please answer even though its optional. ^.^ Keep up the awesome writing. Nice to see someone with grammar.

Gay porn, eh? Sounds like a good career move 😉 I can’t approach people much either…so no advice here, though I highly doubt that’s what you were looking for.

I run from socialising … unless I’ve been drinking!! If I’m with a group of people I pick a person I know and stick to them. It’s a problem … I suck! Re your porn paragraph – you are a kinky little man! *giggles*

hmmm…you have such blunt and funny entries. You have these really interesting internal monologues; things that I always think but I never write about because I don’t think anybody would care. But when I read your entries I can’t stop laughing with empathy. It’s like watching an actor on stage and laughing at his physical pain or the moronic things he says, you only laugh because you do the same

that thing about the names…that’s so wierd about the people you see every day and you wave to and smile, but you don’t really remember how it ever started. I can think of three of those I have off the top of my head. And it’s strange how often I find myself thinking of them,or of random people in general I guess…what kind of lives they lead and if they would be someone I’d like, but too afraid

RYN: hahaha…okay. Well if you have msn or aim….my msn is xnightmareb4xmasx@hotmail.com and my AIM is NightmareB4XmasJ but anyways, im glad my notes sparked some interest. Even if you didnt respond I’d probably still keep leaving them…because *laughs* im just so very very empathetic. Except maybe the whole foreskin thing…*looks around* i dont really have anything to worry about there

i saw this thing in my history class last year about some ritual they had in a south african tribe where they circumsized females by cutting off thier clitoris and then like shoving carrots up thier vagina to prevent them from having sex or something like that. It was pretty painful to watch the clip of it….*ouch*

uhhhh….night

Many people share your position. They know something is wrong, but haven’t the faintest idea how to go about fixing it. What I’ve discovered, is that amongst those who are ‘aware’ of a problem- only a small percentage are actually willing to work towards ‘something better’. A lot of people don’t believe in personal growth. They see how the people around them struggle along, and

are lulled into thinking that it’s ‘normal’. That there are simply different degrees of unhappiness, but that’s about it. It’s not true. ‘Better’ does exist; a way to make the happy days outweigh the bad, and make the bad relatively easy to manage. The process isn’t easy, of course. Requires you to realistically analyze every single event/person in your life, and understand how it all

came together to form who you are. Parents. Teachers. School. Religion. Friends. Bullies. Girlfriends-Judgement. Criticism. Abuse. Codependency. It all has an affect. And if you have the courage to wade through your past-learn to reserve emotion, and objectively come to understand how every person/event contributed to how you think, react, see yourself, see the world–

then you can eventually come to understand the ‘why’ of who you are. Know exactly why you say and do the things you do, and decide which of those traits you have control over. You want a place to start?Figure out where your fear comes from, Timmy. Why it’s there. Who put it there. When it started. If you understand it, you can control it.If you can control it, you can destroy it.

It’s up to you.

RYN: Actually, it is an extension of attaching parenting. I follow a path more in line with continuum parenting. Thanks for the note.

haha, your diary is one of the best out there to read…it never ceases to amuse me…*sigh* lol ok, well, have some fun…i dont doubt u will keep on keepin on ~

i had essay-writing down to an art, in college. wait until the night before it’s due, plan to stay up all night, eat inspirational foods, and just start dreaming about the topic. before you know it, your hands are tying away the winning entry of the essay contest of your choice. it’s all about vision, i tell you.

whadya know. i forgot to stick a “p” in typing….

ryn: giving up is never the answer. you know what song would go perfectly with your DD page? Send Me an Angel by Real Life. i just happened to be listening to it… ‘scuse me. i have to go rock out, now.

ryn: joking? where were you in the 80’s??? being a metallica fan is no excuse, i’m a huge metallica fan. Real Life: a one-hit wonder during the whole new wave crap in the 80’s. maybe you can find the techno version.

ryn: fine, i’ll leave you alone.