Here I am now.

I want that sense of relief I had last week. I don’t want to deal with this right now.

I’m annoyed that chem exam wasn’t today. She held it off until Thursday, as she won’t be here Thursday. I didn’t really study for it today, and I somewhat doubt I’ll seriously study for it by Thursday.

I didn’t eat much when I got home yesterday, and stayed up late. Old habits die hard.

Revising this paper seems like an impossible task. I can’t find any more viable resources. I tend to have a low bullshit quotient to my papers. Just how much filler can I add to tone down the overcitation? I don’t even know what paraphrasing is. I really don’t.

I like how cold it is outside. I am strange like that. I miss having my big beard. Combined with my long hair, man, I am set in winter. Nice and warm.

Meeeh.

I feel like I can’t do anything right now. I also don’t know what to do with myself otherwise until chem lab.

I always feel so alone when I’m surrounded by people. Reminds me of something Cliff said to me once. As a child, he felt rejected by the world. But me, it was I who rejected the world.

I need to do something completely unrelated to everything, but I don’t know what that is right now. Reminds me of why I hated the dorm. Every waking moment was a reminder of the fact that you’re at school. Makes me want to do a Star Trek marathon with Cliff and Erik. Or get lost in Monster Rancher 3. Escape. Escape. I’m an avoidant person. Whenever I had scary dreams as a child, I’d always just run away. That’s how I learned to fly in my dreams. I don’t really have dreams like that anymore. If I do have something scary, I end up facing it, and as a result the scary ends up being not-so-scary.

I remember back when I felt like I had no reason to feel bad. I have food, I have shelter, I have undies, I had a relatively boring and non-tramatic childhood. “How dare I be bothered by something as petty as this!” That nagging feeling of something being wrong didn’t start to receed until allowed myself to validate my emotions.

I wonder if I’ll ever have that serious relationship I’ve always wanted. Cliff and I have grown more jaded over the years. I know he still wishes that Love would save him. I feel that, to some degree, Love is a hoax, a lie. It certainly doesn’t cure all, or solve all problems. Like a fantasy fed to us over the years, in the same way Carolyn bought into all those Disney fantasies. I still let myself dream a little. Can’t give up hope. To think of a world without love, man, I’m not sure that’s a world I’d want to live in.

Even though Cliff and I tend to agree that feeling a “connection” isn’t really an entity that bonds two people, but an independent emotion present in two parties, we certainly would agree that it’s a damn nice thing to have. …Why am I suddenly getting so sappy? Eh, so be it. A connection, I want a connection. As I’ve said, ever since Paige, my primary goal has just been to make connections. I like to think I’ve been moving past whether I like or don’t like someone romantically.

I don’t like when people ask me about myself. How am I supposed to sum up one long story in a few words?

I won’t be in this place forever. I mean, the physical state of being at CCM. I try to notice things, and savor small moments, in the way I can remember things from Rutgers. Like how I can close my eyes and still see the path from the dorm to the dining hall. Or that soap-smell in the hallway after my neighbor put a bar of soap in the microwave. Meh, I guess I am bothered by What Happens Next. I don’t know what happens after this. This is my Life. What am I going to do with it? I know that I can do whatever I want, whatever I put my mind to. And as it’s been since as far as I can remember, I simply do not know where I’m going.