Goldfish.

It’s like I forgot just how bad bad can be and just how sad sad can be. Happens every time. And during it, I don’t think it’s THAT bad. Then the clouds clear, I think back to just a day or two ago, and realize IT WAS BAD. The kind of despair and sadness that colors EVERYTHING. The kind of anxiety where I thought EVERYTHING was going to fall apart. I thought I wasn’t going to finish these assignments. I thought I wasn’t going to finish school. I thought I wasn’t going to find a job. I thought my relationship with Candi was going to fall apart. But that’s really what jumped out at me. Whenever my mood goes to shit, it colors how I view us. When I’m sad, suddenly I can’t remember what makes me happy.

To borrow a metaphor from a friend, it’s like goldfish memory. When I’m sad, clearly everything was always bad between us and always will be. And then the clouds clear and I see I was just feeling shitty and projecting it onto everything. And suddenly I feel empowered, like I can do anything.

I need to ride this and follow through. Because once I get some accomplishments under my bed, that will motivate me further. Just keep pushing, just get through. I will fight the darkness.