General Application for Employment.

General information

Name: Mick Diddley Quack
SS#: ***-**-****
Address: Over here.
Phone Number: ***-***-****
Email: polloloco1701@yahoo.com
Sperm Count: I don’t think you need to know that.

Education

High School: Mount Olive
College: Rutgers, two years finished, major/concentration in CS
Number of cherries popped: None.
What were you voted most likely to do, in High School: Have hair?

Experience

Job 1: ShopRite.
Address: It’s over there on Route 10, you can’t miss it.
Phone Number: Like I can remember the damn phone number.
Supervisor: Which one? Can I pick and choose?
Responsibilities: Being a drone for a large corporation that would otherwise not function without me. Unless they made all grocery store check-outs self-serve.
Why did you leave this wonderful job: I went back to college.
Ending Salary: 6.60
Do you really think we’re going to pay you that much: Um. I don’t know. I’d like to get hired first.

Job 2:

Job 3:

Job 4:

Job 5:

Job 6:

Job 7:

Job 8:

Job 9: Who gets this much experience for such a measily job?

Write a five paragraph essay about what makes you a great person: My name is Timmy.

Are there any achievements that you are particularly proud of: I’ve masturbated six times in seven or so hours. But, I doubt that’s relevant to employment.

Why do you want to work with us: Actually, I don’t. I probably hate your company. I just want your damn money.

List fifty references (no family): What? I tried to FORGET the people I worked with.

List fifty friends who can attest to how big of a penis you have: I doubt I could bring Hairbrush in.

Terrorist Screening

Are you legally allowed to work in the US?: Sure.
If not, are you willing to accept employment for lower pay?

Have you ever stabbed a coworker who was pissing you off: Okay, but it was only once. Ha, gotcha.

Do you flush: Every time. Sometimes twice.
Do you leave the seat up: In my own house, I leave the seat however I please. In other houses, I leave it as I found it.

Have you ever done the E: No.
Have you ever snorted something other than glue up your nose: No.
Have you ever had a non-human furry mammal up your anus? No
Have you ever coaxed a friend to have a non-human furry mammal up his anus? No.

Are you a wanted felon (Admiting to being a wanted felon will not hurt your chances of being employed. Haha.): Not that I’m aware of.
Do you support George W. Bush: No.
Are you a terrorist, you terroristic bastard (If you are a terrorist, in accordance with the Constitional Rights Repealment Act, we will hold you without a warrent and then make fun of your penis size): I pissed on one of the doors to my High School. Does that count?

Signatures

Are you lying to us: No
Sign here: Mick D. Quack

No really, did you lie at all on this application: No
Sign here: Mick D. Quack

We think you’re lying. Will you submit to anal probing on command: I’m not lying, but I’ll submit to any anal probing you have.
Sign here: Mick D. Quack

Are you known by any other name, like “Bang Bang” Bruce: No
Sign here: Mick D. Quack

Sign here: Mick D. Quack

Come on, one more time for fun: Mick D. Quack

My point?
What do they really get out of applications, anyway?