Furthermore…

Furthermore, on the topic of erections, Mitesh was saying how he uses kegels to give himself stronger erections. I found that perplexing, as I’ve always used kegels to eliminate erections. As a teen, I’d have those morning woods that would last like five minutes. I’d just stand there thinking, “Uh, okay. Any day now.” I learned that forcefully clenching my penis muscles would almost “exhaust” the erection. Man, it was so weird to feel all the blood drain out of my penis all at once.

And then there’s the erections I’d get in class. Usually math. Oh yes. Math boners are a thing of lore, I’d assume. Basically, I knew I could kegel them away with the right timing. Just squeeze as HARD as I could, and it would go down. I had to time it right. Hrm. Come to think of it, clenching tended to make me a little harder at first, before it eventually went down.

I do clench when I wank, autonomically. It’s just not a hard clench. Like a static clench. But if I clench too hard, it drains my erection.

I’m reminded of a year and a half ago. I was in this really, really boring class. So bored that I’d do kegels timed to a clock. Yes, I was that bored. I have no idea of flaccid kegels do anything for us, but I figured, “Eh, might as well.”

(I saw no difference. And I was bored a lot.)

Why do I think I have weak erections? I suppose it’s because I’m not 16 anymore. I’m dramatically past my sexual prime. I can’t just produce erections like I used to. And the ones I get don’t seem to be as strong. It was rather humbling last week, when I couldn’t get an erection to save my life. Though, I’m reminded of how I can, at times, wank for over a half hour upwards of an hour.

Only reason I’m generally not worried is because my morning woods have been very healthy. Definitely something nice to wake up to.

As for lifting, it’s done absolutely nothing for my sex drive and/or erections. Lies, I say! Or maybe I need to get better aerobically.

Ah. Okay, I see why I do it now. Same reason I do other things. I’m self-depreciating out of fear that if I say I’m something, and I can’t live up to that standard, that I’ll be chastized. It’s retarded. It’s why I always put myself down, rather than take a little pride. Though. Depends on my company. I tend to be more self-depreciating with people I don’t know.

I’m being far too negative, in general, right now. I want to say positive things to myself, yet nothing’s coming to mind. Why is the word “numbing” coming to mind? My reflex is to say no to numbing, yet I don’t know of how else to deal. There’s too much bullshit going on in my head, and I have to be able to focus on some shit I have to get done. It’s frustrating. I woke up feeling like I might be better, but I’ve gone and dug myself another hole.

I wish it were easier to just be positive. It feels like regression.

This will be solved in my head, not in writing. I have shit to do.