Exerbabble for 5-13-6

Do note that I worked out yesterday. I went anyway with my dad to see how serious he was about taking up freeweights. He said he was.

But I’ve learned to never, ever take what my dad says seriously, as he never means anything he says. At best estimation, he’s no different from anybody else that goes frequently to the Y, does the same thing over and over again, and makes zero progress.

And people want me to be a personal trainer. Ha, I don’t think I could stand the average dumbass.

I was expecting some flexibility problems with squatting, as well as deadlifting. Just using the bar. He irked me with his tendency to grab the bar off his back and place it on the rack, rather than walking forward. ..But nevermind that. He has a forward lean to his squat, and is scared of getting of getting depth. As expected. What I couldn’t anticipate was his deadlift form. I’ve only read of people’s knees flying forward, and the rounding of the back. No way in hell I’ll have him do that again, as he can’t have anything close to proper form.

I do believe I’ll do some freeweight squats with him for a few weeks before I move back to the bar. Trust me, he’ll feel it, and his flexibility will improve. The weak point is actually not your back, but your hamstrings. Most people have very inflexible hamstrings. This is where lower-back pain comes from, believe it or not.

His bench press is right where I was when I started, if not quite weaker. It’s hard to tell, as I’m not sure how much effort he was putting forth. Would you believe after trying to teach him squats he said, “Okay, maybe that’s enough, I’ll go do some cardio now..” Ugh, YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE, ARE YOU SERIOUS ABOUT THIS OR NOT?

Like trying to teach a stubborn five years old how to ride a bike. You can lead a horse to water…

I can’t do dumbbell rows. I could never figure out my form for it, so I’ve been doing bent-over rows. Same issues as the deadlift, rounding of the back. Once his flexibility is better, that shouldn’t be a problem. Hell, it takes a while to get used to the “feel” of moving weight. And I know he can row more than forty pounds. Please, he could probably curl 40 lbs. At least, he better be able to.

Shoulder press, he worries me. After taking the weight off the rack, he lets the weight nearly fly down. Control the weight, I kept saying.

He could do one chin-up. Well, at least he could do one.

I had him do sets of calf raises, for the heck of it. He does abwork on his own time, but it’s obvious he doesn’t take it very seriously. He uses one of those contraptions that you roll up in. I told him to get on his ass and do crunches. No, it doesn’t necessarily matter what you’re doing. I merely remember a few months ago when I could barely do crunches. Now I can sit all the way up, without my feet restrained.

In the diner, I asked him what his goals are. I can’t tell him what his goals are. My suspicions are confirmed: He’s guilty of the same thing millions of Americans are. That is, doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. I told him that if something isn’t working, you should try something else. Though, he’s incredibly hard to reach.

There things I could nail down here that he wants to “lose weight”, get “in shape”, and have “more energy”. Again, like so many people, these are indefinite goals. Granted, losing “ten pounds” is a precise goal, but I think its misguided. He seems to think losing ten pounds will give him “more energy”. I pointed out that I’ve gained fifteen pounds, to which he said, “you’re young”. Ugh, you’re an idiot!

Like many people, there’s a disconnect between supposed goals and the process involved. I asked him how he intends to lose ten pounds. He said eat less, and cardio. I asked him how much cardio. He does 30 minutes 3-4 times a week. Which, itself, is a very healthy habit to maintain. But I pointed out that if he intends to lose weight, he can’t keep doing what he’s doing. I asked him why he hasn’t done more. All I could gather is that he doesn’t want to put the effort forth.

Again, the disconnect. I’m the type of person where if I do something, I do it. I don’t go half-assed. I would probably stab myself if I kept doing not enough. I suggested adding a minute per session. In two months, he could do an hour. No, seriously. It’s that easy. If he can knock out a half hour like that, doing 31 minutes should be a piece of cake.

He seems to think taking up freeweights will help him lose weight. While admirable, this thinking is misguided. The best way to burn fat is to do aerobic exercise at 65% to 80% of your max heart rate for a minimum of twenty minutes. I think it’s twenty minutes, may be a half hour. Any less than that, and you’re wasting your time. He also still won’t listen that you have to do freeweights BEFORE cardio. He said to me, “I’ll see you downstairs in a half hour.” ASSHOLE, LISTEN.

Like talking to a wall.

I don’t believe in small change anymore. Slight changes will only incur slight progress. You want to change something in your life? Change your lifestyle.

One day a week can make a difference for a n00b, especially with the low weight he’s using. But I’d prefer if he went twice a week. I have no life. I’d be willing to go twice a week with him, just to ensure he has his form right. I quickly wrote down what he did, afterwards, as it’s as raw a baseline as I can get:

current bodyweight: ~165 lbs

In some regards, my dad is obviously larger than me. He has maybe an inch on me in height. He has a slightly larger frame. But otherwise, he looks rather scrawny. It really never hit me, but I’m stronger than my dad. What a novel concept. He looks healthy, really. No gut nor obvious fat deposits.

Given today’s baseline, I already know what I’ll do with him, if he lets me. Yes, I’ve already thought this out.

I don’t believe in going easy on n00bs. Just keep the weight low enough. Duh. *smirks* Moreover, it’s not like he’s been sitting on his ass forever. He plays with the machines – except he’s never increased the weight.

Freeweight squats will prime his glutes and make him sore. Once he can do them without post-workout soreness, and I see requisite flexibility, I’ll switch to a barbell.

He can’t do bent-over rows, and I don’t know proper dumbbell rows, so forget that. To avoid an imbalance, I’ll ditch overhead pressing. A horizontal push and vertical pull will be a fine enough balance.

The hardest question for a n00b to answer is, “What is getting in shape?” No, seriously. I had to really sit down and think about that. At first, I thought it was the ability to run without getting winded. To be well-rounded. To have energy, stamina. Then I realized, “Wait, that’s cardiovascular.” While this is a great goal for anybody to have, I realized my real objective was muscle strength, not cardiovascular endurance. This is why I asked him what his goals are, as it’s clear he’s as in disarray as any other American.

Just wait until I have a cut cycle. It’ll happen eventually. I have a suspicion my cut cycles will be inordinately short, just given my natural metabolism. If I stop eating massive amounts of food, I lose weight. *smirks* You know what I want? I’ll set a goal for doing an hour on a crosstrainer. I can force myself to do a half-hour. That’ll be my baseline. I’ll probably go four times a week, lift twice, and have one rest day. Start at a half hour, add one minute per session, in two months I’ll be up to an hour. Honestly, that’s just to increase my cardiovascular health, as I’d like to decrease my resting heartrate. Afterwards, I’d probably maintain it by doing cardio once a week – at an hour per session.

Now that’s a goal, and that’s thought-out planning. A goal without a plan is half-hearted at best. Again, I wouldn’t be trying to lose too much weight during the cut cycle, though it’s obviously a side-effect. I’d probably keep my eating relatively where it is, especially my protein intake. I’d play it by ear then. *nodnod* Just so long as I don’t lose muscle mass.

Something else I’ve considered. I’m not always going to be living here. (God, I hope not.) So it’s forseeable that there will be a span where I won’t be able to GOTO a gym. My solution? Death by Bodyweight. No, seriously. If I get strong enough, I’ll be able to do an entire workout using my own bodyweight.

vertical

horizontal

Let me find that article. You get the idea. I don’t think I’m that far away from doing Pistol Squats, it just requires a bit of practice because it’s a unilateral movement. On top of slamming your glutes and squats, it also hits your hip adductor and abductors – they both have to fire equally to stabilize your leg. Do a couple sets of those, I’ll not only be strong, but I’ll be flexible and have fantastic balance.

Push-ups are kind of an obvious thing. If I want to add weight, I could do chair dips with something heavy (like a phonebook) on my lap. If I get really strong, I could do one-handed push-ups. *smirks* In time.

Vertical push-ups will require a lot of shoulder strength for me to do, as I’d be effectively shoulder pressing most of my bodyweight (currently at around 145 lbs). I could try “working up” to it by inclining up a wall and gradually training myself to do it.

Horizontal pull-ups require a broom and two chairs. If I want more weight, a phonebook will suffice. Hardly a bent-over row, but in a pinch, it’ll keep my back strong. Regular pull-ups will require either some sort of bar, monkey bars at a local playground (assuming they haven’t been torn out because they’re too “dangerous”), or a convenient tree branch.

Crunches are pretty simple. Now try them with a phonebook. *smirks*

Yeah, I think about these things too much. Whatever. It’s good to have goals in mind.

On a side note, my shoulders are a little sore today. I think I’ll slam my lower body tomorrow. If my shoulders don’t feel okay by Monday, I’ll take that day off and hopefully continue as usual on Tuesday. If they feel fine, I’ll do some upper body work Monday, rest Tuesday, and continue as usual on Wednesday.

Reminds me, I should see if/when my dad wants to go in the middle of the week.

There’s that Devils game on today. Man, I’m so expecting them to lose tonight. Heh. I am so the eptitome of the stereotypical lackadaisical Devils fan. Only we could fail to sell-out a playoff game.